Judgment
September 26, 2007 | Filed under: Comes And Goes, This side of the Hudson
“There are no facts, only interpretations.” ~Friedrich Nietzsche
I’m from a ridiculously small town. And I’m not saying this as a pretentious Washingtonian with a crackberry stuck up my ass, while I recite the names of all the members of Congress that have breathed within seven inches of me. I’m saying this as a person who lived in a town complete with cow tipping, horse farms and bigots (oh my!).
I sound judgmental and full of disdain but this is a natural reaction to being forced to sit for two hours in town court along with a 19 year old in handcuffs because he threatened two 15 year olds with an aluminum baseball bat. Threatening high school freshman, trespassing at the local middle school and stealing from the mall are all the really exciting things to do. Nothing says fun like stealing a cheap paisley print, polyester shirt from JCPenney only to match it with a pair of sparkly pinstriped black pants from the ten-dollar rack at Express. Add a dash of country apple body spray from Bath and Body Works and acrylic nails and you’ve got about 20% of the girls I went to high school with.
I was incredibly pissy for the duration of Monday. Though it really had nothing to do with who I was seated with and the type of crimes – a word I’m using rather loosely because ‘parking on the pavement’ isn’t a crime, it’s called being resourceful when finding a parking spot – that were committed, but because I was there for a ‘lane violation’. I’d tell you what a ‘lane violation’ is but I’m not sure of the specifics except that if some asshole speeds up when you’re changing lanes and slams into your bumper it’s totally your fault since the motherfucker totally came out of nowhere.
I started thinking about how incredibly disgruntle I was on Monday afternoon, Monday evening and Tuesday morning after I had given away $100 to the town of East Bumblefuck, New York for a violation that wasn’t even my fault. I had been stewing about it and then getting angrier even when I was told to cheer up and that I should have worn something with more cleavage, because I hate wasting my time and I hate being from a place where there is really nothing better to do than have residents come to court for a speeding ticket and/or steal from TJMaxx. More shockingly I really hate that I was this judgmental and that in the past six years there has been more than one occasion during which I proclaimed myself ‘too good for this place’. Not completely out of disdain but because I feel the need to be separated from the things that drove me insane for most of my life. Separated from the boredom and the bigotry and the fact that I once thought that nothing was better than JCPenney.
I’m going through some weird phase right now and that has taken over in the insanity department hence the introspection, judgment and lack of Holy fuck, I got DRUNK last night, talk.
This weekend I’ll get drunk and then maybe I’ll be willing to discuss that other time that I went to court. That time that I came to find out that they’re totally serious about the whole “No drinking and/or purchasing of alcohol until you’re 21 years of age” law. Yeah, that’s a good story.
Bone says:
TJ Maxx expects you to take things. They write off like 40% of their inventory to shop-lifting. So if you pay, you’re really just messing up their books and stuff.
gorillabuns says:
hey! don’t be hatin’ the JCP!
Schnozz says:
I burst out laughing at “while I recite the names of all the members of Congress that have breathed within seven inches of me.” Because, oh GOD, the name-dropping. Possibly the most annoying East Coast tendency of all time. And so … pitifully transparent, for God’s sake. I’m still not used to having conversations that include 57 different names of people that someone’s dad’s neighbor’s literary agent knows. Thank God you didn’t fall prey to that particular big-city syndrome.
But you know what I hate more than name-dropping? Small-town bigotry. So you have my utmost sympathies. I could NOT have moved back, and frankly I think you’re dealing with the adjustment pretty normally. I’m sure you had good reasons to move there, but that doesn’t mean the small-town mindset isn’t infuriating sometimes.
Missy says:
I too live in a small town. Once I received a ticket for not using my blinker. This small town is about two blocks long with one light, and not even a real light, just one that flashes red, kind of like a real expensive STOP sign. Anyhoo, the cop sat at the light and I was two blocks down on a side street. No one to signal too, hello. Who the hell was I signalling too??? fuckers!
kris says:
I go through these batshit moments all to often, which I’m sure is of no consolation to you. Amazing how sometimes the mostly inconsequential stir up the mini-crisis in us. If I find a panacea* I’ll be sure to share. Please do the same.
* one NOT fermented.
Stara says:
That description of your average high school student was shockingly familiar. I, too, am from a small town. We didn’t have a J.C. Penney though- hell, we didn’t even have a Dairy Queen (I’m from Texas, a small town staple). I don’t think anyone but us small-towners can possibly understand the love/hate you will always feel for that place you come from. You have done a damn fine job of getting at that here.