The crazy
September 12, 2007 | Filed under: Blogology, Straight Jacket
“You must stay drunk on writing so reality cannot destroy you.” ~Ray Bradbury
When Leah and Jess started Real Mental a few weeks back, I jumped at the chance to post just once. In the hope of finding and opening up a vein to unleash the mish mash that has been going on in my head for the past few months. Before I moved back to NY – and the two having nothing to do with each other – I was diagnosed with a Bipolar II Disorder. Which in the grand scheme of things isn’t a big deal, but it’s been something of which I’ve had a most difficult time writing about or expressing. In fact my jumping at the chance is a manifestation of my desperate need to say something about it and now I’m hopeful that I’ve found that space.
I still have trouble telling people, even those that have known me for years, but I have no trouble strolling up to the pharmacist at CVS at regular intervals to get my Lithium and Klonopin prescriptions because they are the key to my not going completely fucked up, raging mad. I mean, really? It’s been weeks since I’ve given anyone the finger for having the audacity to merge.
So for now, what I once felt was sacred, I’m trying to be a little bit more open about in hopes that I can fully accept my new ‘normal’ without having an outer-body experience whenever I tell someone. Like maybe if I say it quietly they won’t hear me, better yet, maybe they’ll forget that I’m fucked up. In all honesty, my friends that know aren’t judgmental or fear me or think that I’m ‘special’ or speak to me V-E-R-Y S-L-O-W-L-Y. They’re actually relieved to hear that that I have an actual medical condition and not just a permanent case of grade a BITCH.
Jennie says:
I don’t know you, but there’s nothing fucked up with being 1) honest and 2) mature enough to do what it takes to live in peace.
If anything it makes strangers (and I’m guessing friends/family alike) admire you more.
Dagny says:
It all sounds perfectly normal to me. Perhaps because I have a relative who is paranoid schizophrenic. Imagine the reactions that that gets. But to me, she is one of the most loving and caring people on this planet. Anyone who can’t see past her diagnosis is just missing out.
b says:
People are funny that way. If you’re not sniffing and sneezing in their face, then you can’t be sick.
Damned if you do, damned if ya don’t.
I’ll continue taking my Welbutrin and Klonozpin thank you. I call my Klonzo my “anti-kill people” drug
Kate says:
You are such a rockstar. No wonder Susan Wagner wants you to move in.
Leah says:
Aw, but you’ll always be “special” to me!
Abigail says:
Dude, I HATE it when people intentionally wait to til the last minute to merge. They deserve the finger.
sweetney says:
dude, we’re all fucked up, period. and i can’t wait to see you next weekend! xo
BOSSY says:
‘Normal’ is just a scrambled ‘molar’ with an ‘m’. Um, yeah.
BOSSY says:
Make that an ‘n’. Right, because now it makes perfect sense.
AMPlifier says:
Gotta love those drugs. I kiss my bottle of Zoloft every night before I go to sleep - because it HELPS me sleep.
Put it out there, girl. Raw, loud & proud.
sandra says:
You may have heard this already but just in case: imagine that you met someone who said she had a heart/liver/kidney (insert organ, basically) issue which required daily medication. I’m guessing you’d think, “well, good — she’s taking care of that.”
I’m hoping you’ll start to think of it in a way similar to that soon, and that you won’t feel nervous or ashamed about telling people — although I do understand why it might make you nervous. My mom has worked in psych for as long as I can remember and I know she still occasionally encounters people who judge, and think that because whatever is physically wrong is in the brain, people can out-think it. Which as you know, is so not true.
That was, by the way, my long-winded way of saying good luck and congrats for owning it!
bloggadocio says:
It’s sad to me that bipolar seems to be the one taboo topic that no one wants to talk about, and I commend you for sharing your situation. Congrats to you for getting help and hugs on the road to happiness and healthy-ness.