Simon
September 10, 2007 | Filed under: Humdrum, Oh The Stupidity You'll See, The Great Moving Caper
“After scolding one’s cat one looks into its face and is seized by the ugly suspicion that it understood every word. And has filed it for reference.” ~Charlotte Gray
On Thursday night I went over to my apartment to do some measuring and to admire the vast amount of closet space I had suddenly acquired. Enough space for me to fit my shoes, bags, clothes and a few dead bodies if the need should arise.
While measuring space for a bookshelf and questioning what type of cheap, Swedish furniture I should get to fill up the place, I noticed my roommate’s cat, Simon, underneath the bed. I had been previously advised by The Roommate that Simon is psychotic. Simon needs some serious kitty therapy to get him through his often disgruntle behavior. It’s all of that living of his incredibly difficult life of sitting on his fat ass all day long and having things brought to him that has Simon hating his life, people and the direction in which the wind blows through the house.
So I ignored him and continued to think about the new chair I was going to get for my desk while tuning out his increasingly loud hissing. When the hisses turned to low rumbling growls from the depths of his evil black heart, I turned around and rolled my eyes and told him to shut up and perhaps try a Xanax. Apparently Simon did not take too kindly to those suggestions which I noticed as he lunged towards my leg and took a nice chunk out of my meaty ankle.
And so I did what any normal person who had just been attacked would do; I screamed like a little girl and gave him a firm swat to the face with my Coach bag causing him to run off and me to slam the door and call him a “stupid little shit”. Maturity, thy name is HB.
Now on the one hand I would pride myself at being an animal lover. The Roommate has a puppy, which was a major selling point for me. Well the puppy, the access to bars and the hardwood floors and I’m a big fan of rolling around on fresh hardwood floors and professing my undying affection for them. We actually once had a cat, Salem, who wasn’t permanently having the male version of PMS. And I’m sure Kris just recoiled in fear knowing that someone she had left in charge of her cats, recently smacked a defenseless kitty in the face with a sturdy leather bag.
But I had my reasons, which I conveyed through panicked breaths while trapped in my bedroom. Stacy, dear gorgeous Stacy, once lost an eye to a fucking cat therefore, I’m going to have to refrain from engaging in any sort of cordial behavior with a cat with a serious stick up its ass as I’d rather not have the same experience. Speaking of sticks, I used one, at the behest of my mother, to finally flee from my personal hell. When I walked, nay sprinted to the front door, there was Simon sitting calmly under the dining room table, licking his nether regions.
So perhaps he’s psychotic because he’s horny? Who the hell knows. At any rate, I showed The Roommate the carnage done to my ankle and she suggested spraying him with water and showing Simon who is in charge. I suggested letting Simon out for some fresh air come mid-November. Perhaps a little bit of cold and a large snow plow will teach that little shit a lesson or perhaps give him a bit of an attitude adjustment. Or maybe he’ll meet another nice female kitty and get laid.
SAJ says:
I can’t wait to read more stories about Simon. This is going to be a riot.
Kristabella says:
I have two cats. (Yes, am crazy, spinster cat lady) And they are nice.
And don’t feel bad, I may have accidentally smacked my one cat in the face after she ate a receipt I needed to turn into work.
And then she may have decided to use her kitty bed as a litterbox. Twice.
Stoopid cats.
BOSSY says:
La la la - Bossy can’t hear you when you show off about your increased closet space.
Jennie says:
I definitely think he needs to get laid.
gorillabuns says:
i’m not a cat person. i think it’s because they are fickle or maybe, i’m really talking about myself.
velocibadgergirl says:
My cat also has male PMS. When he took a huge bite out of my leg back in June (my God, the blood!), we ended up trying a Feliway plug-in thingie. I was super skeptical at first (happifying facial pheromones in a diffuser? What is this touchy feely hippie crap?), but holy cow it actually works. So, maybe you could bust out some mellow-fication on Simon’s furry butt.
Dagny says:
Oh yes. Do get the Feliway. I have only heard fabulous things about it.
Marci says:
Yay! Cats are evil, and should definitely be shown who’s boss with or without large Coach bags.
BTW…when are you coming to visiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiit?
Bone says:
Love the quote you used for this post, pal. I’m looking forward to future HB versus Simon encounters.