It was only a matter of time
September 7, 2007 | Filed under: Comes And Goes, Oh The Stupidity You'll See, Socially Awkward Barbie™
“Life expectancy would grow by leaps and bounds if green vegetables smelled as good as bacon.” ~Doug Larson
Nine years ago I was in the throes of adolescence and thus constantly testing out one look or lifestyle after another. It was the chameleon effect as I like to call it, which is an unfortunate manifestation of my constant need to be a people pleaser and to have people like me. One thing that has always been consistent is my intense desire to just fit in and be like everyone else another unfortunate byproduct of growing up in one of the whitest places on Earth. Apparently black people aren’t too fond of the snow and the precipitation getting into their hair causing it to do crazy shit. For further evidence I point to any photo of my hair taken ever and you’ll notice how it’s always everywhere and it only took about 24 years to accept that that’s how things are.
Regardless adolescence is when one is most able to test things out to see how others live and who to possibly be. It was during this time that I decided to stop eating meat. I was going to Girl Scout camp with hippies and such and I ended up rather hippy like and one pair of Birkenstocks short of smelling of patchouli, wearing hemp and having underarm hair long enough to braid. I was rustic and camped and my mother would smile politely and purchase veggie burgers and kept me from setting up camp in the back yard. She also made me shower.
Given that I was a girl with a fondness for fried chicken and a Big Mac, the fact that I found beef to be revolting nearly gave both of my southern born and bred parents a heart attack. I’m pretty sure there isn’t a chapter in a parenting book as to what to do when your daughter wakes up one morning and says “I’m not eating those ribs and please remove the pork fat and back from my collards. Thanks.” My father would look at me like, who are you and what happened to my daughter who could suck down a plate of ribs? In fact my father for years asked me if I was still on ‘that vegetable diet.’ I will confess though that it wasn’t a moral thing and only recently saw footage of cow slaughter. Hell, I do have a little bit of a thing for a certain retailer of fine leather goods and there is really nothing better than smell of new leather boots come fall.
Apparently though this living from the earth – while simultaneously carrying all of my shit in a large leather tote bag with a little Coach tag swinging from the front pocket – phase went on a lot longer than expected and my father just started to roll his eyes and embrace the fact that I did not want bacon anywhere near my food and if it were there I’d vomit. This is about the time that he probably started drinking heavily. Oh, children, such joys. So as I continued my quest to be a little more ‘natural’ (or as I continued to get dumber) I contemplated the Peace Corps then grew out my hair (If you think my father didn’t enjoy the whole ‘vegetable diet’ thing, well my mother about shit herself when I said, “I don’t want no damn relaxer” and promptly cut off my hair) and cut it all off but ended up in Madrid where I became a pescetarian. The consumption of fish was because I didn’t want to miss out on too much but even then I had to very slowly explain to my host mother that I did not eat meat. One day during lunch she inquired that since I didn’t eat meat would I like to have some rabbit? Perhaps some lamb? Because it’s ok not to eat a cow but it is ok to eat a tiny fluffy bunny. Got it.
I’ve been a pescetarian ever since and anyone who has hosted me is well aware of this and has been accommodating. I’ve been eating a lot of shrimp and salmon and things are good.
So imagine Isabel’s surprise when I sat her down last night after my 15th glass of wine and said very seriously, “There’s something I have to tell you, but you can’t get mad”
“Up until yesterday (Monday) I haven’t eaten meat for about nine years”
The look on her face was dire shock at best then she put her head down on her arms, because in the 48 hours that I stayed with her I had managed to consume a very large hamburger with a surprise inside (cheese), teriyaki chicken, Italian sausage, prosciutto wrapped asparagus fresh from the grill and the most delicious pulled pork sandwich ever.
In 48 hours. Right down my gullet.
Isabel asked why I didn’t say anything. I drank the rest of the wine in my glass and said “Because I felt bad.” I’m an eternal people pleaser and she didn’t know and it all just sort of happened and god damn, those burgers were tasty and have you people ever had prosciutto wrapped asparagus?? Goes down like butter, baby.
I’ve yet to tell my parents about this. A) Because then they’ll force a hot dog down my throat, B) Because my father might think that the apocalypse is coming next or that while he was away for a week I found Jesus in the form of barbecue and C) Because I’m not sure whether or not this is a permanent thing or a fluke because I didn’t want Isabel to hate me. Not that she’s the hating type, but I don’t know…I just have a problem with feeling pressure wanting to make people happy and not being rude and oh my God, barbecue tends to taste as amazing as it smells. As a matter of fact, I am now sure that this was a fluke as my mother just mentioned some sort of penne with beef bits and I felt the bile coming up in my throat. And yet I still can’t stop smelling bacon.
Jamie says:
Jesus comes to me regularly in the form of really great barbeque. Unfortunately, I can’t get the good stuff here in Chicago - but when I’m down south, you’d better believe it’s basically all that I ever eat. YUM.
vague says:
I was a vegetarian for about four years, but I occasionally made exceptions for pork barbeque, because really, it would be silly not to. Barbeque is the food of the gods! (Nowadays, though, I happily eat any and all kinds of meat.) But if you want to be mostly pescetarian and occasionally eat some ribs or some bacon, why not? Mmmm…
Stephanie says:
Just a couple weeks ago, I actually snuck a teeny bite of the goat cheese and spinach stuffed chicken my boyfriend made for dinner while I was putting away leftovers. (My mom and grandparents were visiting… he totally won them over with that.) But I never told him how good it was because I’m afraid that people will start expecting me to eat meat again or try sneaking it into my food… I’m just not sure I’m ready for that yet. But damn if I don’t want to sneak a piece of bacon or grilled chicken now and again.
RandomGirl says:
Hmm…interesting pickle. I gave up pork in order to wear a Jewish star everyday. I felt I had to become ‘more Jewish’ in order to wear the star, so I gave up eating all types of pork. Of course I still eat shrimp, Crab, lobster and meat/Cheese lasagna; try explaining that one.
“Yes, I gave up pork for religion, but no, I didn’t give up all the other things it says I shouldn’t do”
I’m now fond of saying “I’m not kosher YET”
There is NO REASON to explain yourself. Be whatever, and whoever you want; ESPECIALLY when it comes to food. It’s hard though, so good luck!
OMSH says:
And now, I finally know why you wouldn’t join us for bacon.
What was that you ate at the donut shop?
Zandria says:
Sounds like a confession I made myself recently:
http://www.zandria.us/archives/main/2007/08/16/a-vegetarian-goes-back-to-eating-meat/