“Advice is what we ask for when we already know the answer but wish we didn’t.” ~Erica Jong
Here are a few things I wish I had thought about yesterday beginning at 10:30 AM. Think of it as a little advice from me to you and please heed my words:
If someone suggests going wine tasting, feel free to say yes, but remember that the key word in that is TASTE.
Do not do shots of wine or down most of the glass and then empty out droplets.
Though feel free to purchase bottles of wine – approximately five, if so inclined.
Do not then go home and continue to drink thus making the accumulated time of wine consumption roughly 14 hours.
Even if that total time includes two hearty meals, that will not matter.
Do not stay up until one in the morning when you have to be up at four.
Do not drive on the Long Island Expressway in the dark with truckers who will squash your little mercury sable into 27 million shards of cheap Ford plastic because you are incapable of going 80 due to the overwhelming urge to vomit.
When your boss/mother/office secretary asks why you look like shit and can’t read, tell them you have a touch of the flu. In September.
Do get an office with a door that both shuts and locks so you can put yourself in a time out and think about your piss poor judgment.
Do not have two slices of blueberry cream pie because it will help with alcohol absorption.
Remember to smile because yesterday was such a good day even though today is such a very bad day.
Scold yourself some more because of the piss poor judgment which leads to piss poor attitude come morning.
Decide to give up wine for Lent.
Realize that Lent isn’t for six months.
Decide that seltzer will be the permanent alternative to wine.
Cry.
5 Comments
I’m sorry… I got distracted by “blueberry cream pie.” How have I never heard of this before and where can I get me some?
Ouch. I’d like to say that I haven’t been there before but unfortunately I have.
This made me laugh. I hope you feel better when you read this because I’d hate for you to still be crying while I’m laughing.
Oh man do I feel for you. I have so been there before. I’ve found that wine will get you in a way that no other beverage can. It’s tricky. You think, OK, it’s wine. I can handle having some wine. It’s not like I’m doing shots of Jagger or something. In fact, it would be downright impolite for me not to have some wine. And then you find yourself tottering on the brink of trashed and facing a powerfully miserable hangover. That wine… it’s a sneaky SOB.
I feel your pain. Really, I do.