Vicariously
August 29, 2007 | Filed under: Comes And Goes, Humdrum, Socially Awkward Barbie™
“Any emotion, if it is sincere, is involuntary.” ~Mark Twain
During our last night out together, Marci made a bet with me that I would find myself dating seriously in one year’s time. For she truly believes that I will and should have no problem with putting myself out there and navigating the windy, tumultuous roads of dating because I’m swell and everybody loves me. Oh she of great faith, precious. If not, then she would owe me a dinner at the restaurant of my choice. I sat and pondered this with the corners of my mouth turning upwards, dreaming of the deliciousness that is Filomena or perhaps Fahrenheit or hell, why not live it up and enjoy the wonder that is Komi? She scoffed and was incredulous the fact that my dating life has ended with ‘or lack thereof’ for years.
I’d prefer to stay intact and avoid drama at all costs. There’s also a bit of a self-deprecating factor to it all that keeps me from placing a toe into the freezing waters of dating. Frankly it’s just something that doesn’t cross my mind until someone else brings it up and I often appreciate the fact that I’m not like most 23 year olds, solely on a quest for ass. I’m ok with going a majority of my life not worrying about some venereal disease I may have contracted at in bathroom at a bar in Dupont.
Though lately, I’ve been living through my friends. Experiencing their first forays into new relationships while doing a happy dance at every small victory. For each kiss that they receive or the good dates that they cannot help but be giddy about, I am just as happy for them. It’s easier for me to live vicariously through them than to embark on any dating myself because of that fear of getting hurt or fucking up or not living up to anyone’s standards of perfection.
I’ve always claimed not to date by choice, which is true. I choose not to based on a myriad of reasons that are probably bullshit including not having my life together (who does?). All of which are a manifestation of some sort of fear I have towards the whole dating thing. If I could put my finger on it, I would and then I’d get over it, but alas I cannot. What I am certain of is that the feeling of fear begins to abate when sitting at home, alone, babysitting, eating birthday cake while watching a double feature of Something New and The Holiday. Then suddenly the fear I’ve always held on to and the thrill of living vicariously through friends turns to melancholy and I’m envisioning the rest of my life alone with all the birthday cake with pink butter cream icing in the world and about seven dogs to keep me company. Suddenly losing a bet doesn’t seem too bad.
squindia says:
ah dating. I only started dating at the age of 28! And its freaky. There are so many weirdos out there, so it hasn’t been fruitful in terms of finding love. However it has provided endless stories and entertainment in my life and the lives of my friends. Think of it as adventure and you’re all set. Best of luck!
GreenCanary says:
I’m right there with you. Except I’ll live with seven cats and my body will be permanently affixed to a velour track suit and a hair scrunchie. Oh. Dear. Lord. Shoot me now.
Kristabella says:
I’ve always been the same way. I was a late bloomer, not really dating until my mid 20s mostly because my friends were more important. And I was totally fine with that. But now as the big 30 approaches, I start to wonder what will happen if I end up being the only single one out of my group (it’s already starting to happen.) And I think as you get older, you want a relationship because of the companionship, etc. I mean, who want to end up a lonely, old spinster with 12 cats?
Kim says:
Dating’s overrated, as are men. You’re not really missing out.
bloggadocio says:
I was a late arrival to the dating scene for the same exact reasons as you. What about trying an online service first — seems like that might be a more comfortable format for you to go through that whole “breaking the ice” phase.
Good luck — dating sucks, but kissing is fun.
vague says:
I’m in the exact same position as you — I only wish I could win some sort of bet for holding out as long as I have!
Nic says:
oh man, I can’t tell you how much I understand. I fear that this http://www.mcphee.com/items/11377.html is my future and considering that I’m allergic to cats? It’s gonna fucking suck.
RandomGirl says:
I love to date! I think everyone has a misconception that once you go on a date that means you have to be ready for a seious relationship. Not so I say!
Is it not a date when you and a male friend go to a movie…? Just because there isn’t any kissing involved dosen’t make it not a date! He dosen’t have to pay- it’s just about going out and having a good time.
I’m ‘dating’ 4 people…and I love it!
On the other hand- i do worry about not ‘finding’ my true love. I just got back from Israel where almost every girl is obsessed with finding her husband. I’m 22- I shouldn’t be worried about this stuff…and neither should you… Worry when you’re 29 and haven’t dated anybody…
Christine says:
Not too dissimilar from you in that I only started dating, dating at 22ish. I hadn’t had a serious boyfriend ever, and hadn’t been on many dates and was in a new school in a new place and didn’t know hardly anyone.
I went online, which I highly recommend, to such places as Craigslist (woot, FREE) and Match. I had more first dates than I care to count within the space of a year and a half. Now I’m in a serious relationship, and while I hated/loved dating back then, now I miss it. Not because I want to go back, or change anything, but because I had much more interesting stories when I was going on one or two dates a week with different people. There was that guy who told me he wrote an article, that I latered googled to find out it was written by someone on the Jewish World Review (and then I was called a crazy stalker); and the one who had a chihuahua he named “Heiress” and I had to promptly stop speaking to him when he told me he believed that Paris Hilton was the Marilyn Monroe of our time; or the one who didn’t pay for my drink that he asked me repeatedly to get and then when I didn’t call him back, left me a message about how he was CRAZY and his father had just tried to commit suicide, and lo I was scared.
You see, dating is crazy while you live it but my god, the stories you will be able to tell. I’m much more boring now that my nights are spent at a bookclub, getting drunk with a friend or the boyfriend, or watching my cat spaz the fuck out (as he is doing now.)
Oh dating, I miss you.
Angella says:
Oh, Heather. At the risk of sounding old (again), you sound like me at 23. Seriously. Then Matthew came into my life and we were married 6 months later. Now with three kids and a house, and, and, and.
It will happen. When you LEAST expect it
Lori says:
I went 7 years between relationships (if you could call them that; until I dated a drummer who was always on the road with his band off and on for two years, my previous relationship record had been 6 weeks) before having a disastrous (and also brief) one with a co-worker that left me in a DEEP depression and questioning whether I was “worthy” of anything. Easiest way to lose 20 lbs. ever, but I wouldn’t recommend it.
When I came out of that a couple months later, to the realization that I was absolutely fine just the way I was, and that I liked myself, I met my husband. Funnily enough, he’d recently come to the same conclusion after a bad dating experience. There’s more to the story, but I can sum it up in one word: TIMING. We met exactly when it was right for both of us, and not a minute before.
Dating unseriously (or serially seriously) is fun for some, but if you’re the kind of Scorpio I am, you probably find it hard to believe that it’s worth the trouble.
Abigail says:
I’m so in the same boat. I had one (God-awful) relationship and yelled “not it!” immediately thereafter.
I’m (maybe) at the start of something new right now and I feel like I have a whole diary of dating experience because I’ve lived through my friends so much. I’m telling ya, it’s (almost) easy since I’ve already re-hashed every victory in their relationships.
Marci says:
Ohhhhhh sookie sookie!