“The trouble with most people is that they think with their hopes or fears or wishes rather than with their minds.” ~Will Durant
I’ve been contemplating progeny as of late. Which might give one false hope that I have found someone to procreate with or that I’ve turned 35 or that I’ve become delusional. I think the last one describes my train of thought as of late to perfection. That is because for years I was quite delusional in thinking that by 24 I would have made my television debut on The Real World and that it’s a perfectly acceptable age to get married and have children.
I also once believed that a large white man came down my non-existent chimney to deliver presents with tags written in the same exact handwriting as my mother’s. Odd.
So you see, I’m prone to believing things but have managed to get past that faulty logic only to spend the years – decades, perhaps – prior to even having children painfully agonizing every aspect of my future parenting skills. Thus far I’ve analyzed parenting without marriage, adoption, the use of a midwife and whether or not I could handle my child screaming at the top of his or her lungs because of…I don’t know…whatever small children scream about. Like, the way the wind is blowing and why someone had the audacity to touch their perfect pile of twigs and leaves. I just don’t think I’ll be able to handle that shit without completely losing mine.
In fact I’ll probably end up with children who behave just as I did in my youth. Remind me to have my mother tell you of the great grocery incident of 1985. A story sure to cause a mass hysteria of sudden tubal ligations across the land.
Really, I’m not sure why I am pondering it and yet I have been and at length, only to confess of it now in hopes that I’ll stop questioning how I am going to parent a person who is light years away from actually being thought of really seriously. Not this kind of crazy talk, but like SERIOUSLY. Especially since I’m really only good with very few children, one of which has spent the last year simultaneously pissed off because I’m in his space and giving me kisses. See, children? They perplex me. I probably shouldn’t one. Even more interesting is that I was born to a woman who literally hated with almost every fiber of her being the thought of having children. Then she had one – me – and realized that it wasn’t so bad so she had another – G – upon which she quickly learned from that mistake and stopped. Or so I would imagine.
Regardless it’s a silly, silly thought process that’s taking up valuable space in my head. Space that should be reserved for the eternal Canon/Nikon cage match and what to pack for my mini-vacation later in the week. Also if I keep thinking about it more, I’ll get into personalities and then holy motherfucker, I could end up with a child JUST LIKE ME. And trust me when I say that a child like in anyway similar to me is about as pleasurable as a swift kick to the stomach by a large horse.
16 Comments
If you don’t have a chimney, your parents leave the door unlocked for him. That’s what my Mom told me.
And could you please have your mother tell me of the great grocery incident of 1985.
Actually, I thought 24 was a dandy age for starting that stuff.
(I note that today my daughter turns 29, which should give you an idea of how godawfully old I am.)
If it helps, I say Canon. And trashy magazines and candy bars.
I haven’t had children because I know that there would be some karmic payback involved. And it wouldn’t be pretty.
I think the strategy is to have the children and THEN get on the Real World. And leave the children at home.
That’s my plan, anyway.
I contemplate the same things.
Kids will happen when you are ready. When I was 23 I was nowhere near ready (look at me sounding like the old fart I am at 32).
Also? CANON.
I mean with all your connections, you’re practically a mommy blogger as it is… You might as well have a few kids to make it all legit.
And if you’re not quite ready yet, I hope you didn’t accept any tall, cool drinks while you were at Chris’s house. I hear there’s something in the water over there—
I wasn’t ready at 23 and my only one turned out all right—he’s 23 now and very smart—he isn’t married yet and has no kids! That is one smart young man!
And now I’m contemplating foster and adoption—but if you held her you’d want her, too.
Still, I know I’d a been a much better parent at 33 and definitely now at 46!
You might wanna wait…
Faulty logic my backside. You have a sense of whimsy and hope and joy.
Put that in your pipe and smoke it, missy!
I’m happy Holly mentioned your blog in her post today, because I’m loving it and need something to pass the time during my long work hours, and nothingbutbonfires only gets me to about 10am =) Keep it up!
I think about it regularly. I imagine people following behind me and listing things that I’ve internally said, “my kids will NEVER” so they can keep score while I fail miserably years from now. (The last incident of this was at a great cheese store in town – DiBruno’s – where a 3 or 4 year old little girl licked the baguettes in the basket. And the mother pulled her away by the hand. And then the kid had a melt down. And then the mom bought her a cookie. There was a lot going on and I just couldn’t take it.)
Anyway, I think about it a lot. I’m attending a lot of weddings this year for good friends, college friends and family and MAN, it’s not that I’m jealous, although in some ways I am, I feel like a freak. Total freak. And yet, sometimes, it’s really okay to wait. And I may as well be annoyed at the baguette lickers in the meantime.
Dude, we’re functioning on the same thought wavelength. I wrote about something very similar last night.
http://green-canary.blogspot.com/2007/08/nature-vs-nurture.html
WOW- I am so glad I found your website… FUNNY FUNNY!
It’s definitely not such a silly thought process, but I hear you on it taking up valuable space in le brain. I mean, really, I only have so much brain space. I have to reserve it for designating what I’m going to make for dinner.
(I think two of you would be splendid. Then one could come visit the middle of nowhere Washington State, while the other remained un-bored.) ; )
It’s all the mommy blogs. They get me deciding how I’ll parent too. Or how I’ll blog about my parenting. Or how I’ll blog about not knowing how to parent despite reading all the mommy blogs.
Also, since I am obviously out of actual blog fodder, a kid seems like the best new plan.