Butter
August 8, 2007 | Filed under: An ass the size of Rhode Island
“WW is the cure for all that ails you. Including psoriasis.” – Kris Likey
Every week, for the past three months, I have diligently gone upstairs to my mother’s scale on Thursday mornings at 7 AM after my workout but before my shower. If I’m not home, I don’t weigh myself, usually because there’s no scale in the hotel or because I’m anal retentive and really don’t want to see that I’ve suddenly gained 14 lbs in two days because of a stray filet-o-fish that found it’s way down my gullet.
When I returned home from Chicago, I went back to my normal workout routine and weigh – in. Y’all, I thought I broke the damn scale. I weighed myself not once, not twice, but four separate times, each showing the same low weight. I sat back and realized that it might be because for an entire weekend, I ate nothing. Everything I ingested was a grape in its ever popular liquefied and fermented form. So I was pleasantly surprised and went on my merry, fiber ingesting ways.
I don’t really obsess about my weight. I’ve gotten to the point where I get excited when my mother asks me why my pants are falling off my ass, thus making me look like a little boy. I smile and say that I forgot my belt and then continue with my tra la la of not ripping another pair of far too small jeans while getting into the car or something. I shop at Forever 21 and the Nordstrom Junior’s department, so really, I feel like there’s nothing to really worry about. Which is a far, far cry from the tumultuous years of 1995 – 2001. Those were not what I would call my finer moments in body image, possibly because I was between the ages of 12 and 17 and possibly because my classmates started the really fantastic trend of referring to me as “Butter”.
I’ve never said the latter out loud because I still go back to that very hurt feeling even though this was a seventh grade thing and even though – in a very strange turn of events – the person who originally started this, died three years ago, I still find the word hard to say and to hear. Even in it’s most incredulous use. I found out later that ‘they’ called me “Butter” because for me to get through the door would require a stick of butter around the frame.
Hardy fucking har har. Now I can laugh, because my lord, weren’t they some clever motherfuckers and I’m sure I can list off the prodigious successes of those that took to calling me that really great name including failing out of high school, failing out of community college and a stint at Friday’s. I hope they are all really proud of themselves. I’m sure their parents are.
But really! I’m not bitter (Fuckers). I’m just letting go of things in the past because it’s time and because my ass is actually smaller now than it was in High School and because I SHOP IN THE JUNIOR’S SECTION. Something I totally missed between the ages of 13 and 18. I’ve gotten past the need to be a size 6 because I would look disgustingly emaciated and there’s nothing hotter than a girl with no ass with her collar bone jutting out. So let me relish in these victories, enjoy my liquid grapes and make a little trip to Anthropologie because I totally deserve another cute dress with pockets.
Liz says:
Junior high kids are the worst humans on the planet. After Michael Vick, I mean.
Gin says:
Congrats on the weight loss. Collar bone jutting and “oh my God I really weigh 126lbs! and that’s like 8 pounds more than when I was in high school 15 years ago! And I so CAN’T get pregnant weighing this MUCH” people have to be a close second to icky little junior highers. They don’t understand the feeling of losing 15 pounds and dropping from 198 to 183. Losing the womenly curves to become ruler straight is dull and boring and no fun at all. How else do we fill out these clothes? I set realistic goals for 145-160. A woman must know her boundaries and set her own boundaries of beautiful! (Be in 100, 200 or whatever!)
Mandy says:
Wow, this sounds way too familiar for me. We were learning different geometrical shapes in the 5th grade and we got to “rhombus.” The guys in my class started calling me “rhombus” because of my weight. Why that word? I don’t know because it means sides of all equal length, but still I remember the teasing like it was yesterday. I am now 27 and it’s something I still think about. As a Puerto Rican woman I will always be curvy and I am proud of that. You said it right Heather, they’re “Fuckers!”
Neena says:
I can’t believe I’m saying this aloud/typing this. Like, for real…but: in May of 2006, I made a real effort to change my life (at the ripe age of 24, mind you). In any case, I went from 227 to 193 after months and months of grueling gym visits and have lost an additional 10 pounds since.
Best part? I’ve kept it all off (with a mini-holiday-related-relapse) and managed to develop an unhealthy addiction to the gym. Trust me, it’s better than my “unhealthy” addiction to wine, vodka, and drunken-smoking!
My point? Keep up the good work! Granted, I’m not 104 with my collar bone jutting out, but I am SO much happier and comfortable in my new, smaller skin. Plus, I can shop at REAL stores again! Congrats, Heather!
elise says:
Dresses with pockets! Yesss! You totally deserve one of those.
So do I, come to think of it.
freckledk says:
Body acceptance is a beautiful thing. And, yes, do go out and buy yourself something pretty - you’re worth it!
Maria says:
Beautiful! You should totally relish your victories.
I throw out my scale during my sophmore year in college because I was weighing myself several times each day. My ass is also several sizes smaller than it was in high school.
Dagny says:
Oooo. Anthropologie. You absolutely must go.
And I won’t mention my ass now versus in high school.
Whitney says:
Kids that age are so fucking mean. Like ridiculously mean and I don’t understand how people can be so mean. But it’s always funny to laugh when mean bitches get their comeuppance, yeah?
Also, I’m of the firm opinion that softness is a good thing. I’m definitely not 5′11″ and 120 pounds but most days I like my ass and my love handles, etc.
brookem says:
i freaking love anthropologie. if only i could afford more than a coaster, soap, or too many candles that ill never know what to do with there.
you shop in juniors! woot! you enjoy your fermented grapes!
julia says:
Ok, this one got me to delurk.
I can relate. I was called Bertha. As in Big Bertha (I don’t know, was it a plane? A boat? A (god forbid) blimp? I never wanted to know.)
Congratulations on the weight loss! That’s fantastic.
Abi says:
When I read the title of your post, I thought to myself “Mmmm. Butter is delicious” because I just wrote about some awesome butter. I also thought ‘WTF is up with me eating Laughing Cow light cheese? Did I think somewhere along the line that I should not eat delicious cheese?’
Obviously, some parts of my lunch were better than others.
My 10 year class reunion is coming up and I’m worried that people won’t come because middle school and/or/and high school sucked. I’m also worried that people will come and be assholes. Assholery would be unacceptable.
Amanda says:
You are fabulous. I’ve read so much on your ‘blog and feel like we need to be friends, or at least meet and have a few drinks together. Lucky are those who call you “friend.”
My best,
Amanda
Her Bad Mother says:
Yeah, baby. You GO (to anthropologie, which we don’t have in Canada, which is just one more reason for me to keep travelling to the Yew Ess of Ay.)
Brunch Bird says:
OK, sorry I’m late. (smoothes hair down and straightens skirt) I was just kicking the ass of everyone in your past who called you that.
OMSH says:
Well, I’m gonna have to agree with you (because I’m quite certain that though you didn’t say it OUT LOUD, y’know it) that you are beautiful in so many ways.
*smooch*
Suburban Turmoil says:
I can say for certain that you look GREAT! I’m glad you feel good about yourself- leave that butter crap behind- It only made you stronger, right? Good story for your memoirs, too. Those fuckers.
nopasanada says:
OK…why weren’t any of you around in 1995????
That would’ve been helpful.
(P.S. I want to give each of you a big kiss)
Cassie says:
Oh my god, I can’t believe that they called you that! But, at the same time, I LOVE your reaction. Its kindof like mine. I was always the big kid, and now that I’m 25 and almost in the “average” range, I’ve started noticing how those kids who used to make fun of me have changed. So many of them are still working the same jobs they worked in high school, and it almost makes me happy when I see them and they’ve gained a bunch of weight.
I mean, I know I shouldn’t WISH anyone to be overweight, but after the shit they put us through, they can kiss my a**.
Can we go shopping together? I need to find one of these cute dresses. Oh yeah, and I shop in the juniors section now too. I still have to buy the L or XL, but I don’t care because it’s the JUNIORS SECTION. And no, I couldn’t shop there when I was a junior either.
Oh, and the lady up top with the realistic goal of 145-160, I love you. Even though I’m 5′3″, and I’m supposed to weigh 125, I laugh at that and say 150 would be nice.
Nothing But Bonfires says:
How the hell did you not eat anything when they had those amazing lemon bars at the snack station? I inhaled, like, fifteen. And then I put some in my pockets.
OCG says:
I *heart* fermented grapes.
I *heart* dresses with pockets.
I *heart* the way you feel about yourself - the most.
kris says:
enjoy every minute of your hard work, babe.
and i luuuuuuuuuuuuuuurve being quoted. especially when it involves the word psoriasis.
Jennie says:
I heart Anthropologie. I heart the sale room they have at my local one even more.
The guy who tortured me all through middle school-by calling me pizza face every day on the bus (I started Acutane during 8th grade because I couldn’t take it any more)-never graduated from high school.
AUA says:
World War is the cure for all that ails you?????
WW = Weight Watchers
Gina says:
Having been rail thin to the point that people laughed at me during HS, I can relate to being nicknamed. At the class reunion, all of the bloated unemployed bastards that laughed at me in my majorette uniform were impressed that I managed to ” look the same” Go figure…I second the liquid grape fermentation diet, I learned that from lurking at Kris’!
Carrie says:
I was referred by Jen Lancaster, and I’m so glad!
Love your posts.