Happy place
July 18, 2007 | Filed under: Comes And Goes, Mmhmm That's Right
“That’s the way things come clear. All of a sudden. And then you realize how obvious they’ve been all along.” ~Madeleine L’Engle
I had the idea to send a friend of mine sunflowers the other day, Just Because. Because she’s been having a rough go at it and flowers are always lovely to get and because though I adore her, I’m not sending her anything in a little blue box. But I’m sure that platinum would have made her forget her problems at least momentarily.
I enjoy doing things for people and friends and family if their name is Garrett and they haven’t recently threatened to punch me in the arm for entering their bedroom. I’m just that type of person who is generally nice and helpful, even if it requires me to go out of my way.
This isn’t an attempt to say “Hey, look at me, I’m fucking awesome and classy”. It’s more like, I’ve been a fucking bitch every single minute of the past six months. With very few things keeping me from wanting to remove parts of my body with a steak knife and at it’s worse, nothing keeping me from wanting to toss myself in front of a metro train. THAT’s how bad it and I can get.
It’s hard for me to be accepting of anyone’s friendship or caring during those moments because while I appreciate it, it all ends up suffocating me to a point where I shut down and disappear into my bedroom for a weekend. Only to emerge for the occasional cupcake and Trader Joe’s, while I continuously pull the “I’m fine” bullshit. This eventually turns into vitriol that I never thought I could or would be capable of and the cycle perpetuates itself until I can regain some control. I’m a person destined by neurological defect to be unhappy and during the really unhappy times, I figure I’d spread the joy of my unhappiness to others.
The other day, I mentioned to my Pal, how cruel I can be. He as diplomatic, as I have always found him to bed, and said that I’m not cruel, but that I have moments where I just become passive aggressive and get in moods and lash out. But that it’s not inherently cruel, just hurt or upset. I thought about it’s validity and that he was probably cringing while writing it out of fear that I would hop on a plane and kick his ass to fucking Florida for ever daring say that I ‘lash out’. Yet it’s true. I do. I get mean and a person who is entirely not me. And the cycle – at times – just perpetuates itself until the benzos come and well that’s (sadly?)
the only thing that can really help.
Well that and who said that money can’t buy happiness? Or at least make it easier not to feel like you’re suffocating when you pay your rent.
I think I am somewhat close to my ‘Happy Place’. It’s never perfect and every new thing presents it’s own set of problems, but I feel far better off now than I have since December (do the math). Which makes it far easier for me to reach out and want to help and to send flowers and to cuddle and hug my nearest and dearest and not want throw up when thinking of meeting 150 new people in a few days. Instead, I’m semi-content and reasonable and willing to accept things the way that they are. Not going completely overboard but just saying ‘OK’ then that’s that. Acceptance with my life and the people in it, IS my happy place.
Suebob says:
Wow, Heather, you hit the nail on the head for me.
“…while I continuously pull the “I’m fine” bullshit. This eventually turns into vitriol that I never thought I could or would be capable of and the cycle perpetuates itself until I can regain some control.”
That explains so much. Ever since my sis died (2 months and 5 days ago), I have been going through the motions and yet have been so angry, so wanting to lash out and instead muttering obscenities under my breath at people…
Thanks for making my weirdness make sense.
You’re welcome…and next week we’ll make your Happy Place the W and first drink is on me…
hannita says:
I love that feeling of “Hey, I’m happy today!” But the realization that you can recognize that happy because things have not been good isn’t always a great one.