Archive for July, 2007

A beautiful reciprocal arrangement

July 31, 2007 | Filed under: BlogHer, Blogology

“Among other things, you’ll find that you’re not the first person who was ever confused and frightened and even sickened by human behavior. You’re by no means alone on that score, you’ll be excited and stimulated to know. Many, many men have been just as troubled morally and spriritually as you are right now. Happily, some of them kept records of their troubles. You’ll learn from them – if you want to. Just as someday, if you have something to offer, someone will learn something from you. It’s a beautiful reciprocal arrangement. And it isn’t education. It’s history. It’s poetry”- J.D. Salinger, The Catcher in the Rye

I take myself with a boulder of salt and then some. Never too seriously despite my dramatic tendencies and flair for hyperbole. It’s most certainly not inherent, but something that’s just always been there. I come equipped to all new and semi-unfamiliar situations with a knot in the pit of my stomach. Last Tuesday, I begged Amy to come to Chicago. There was some groveling and I even equipped her with a free drink ticket courtesy of the fine people of Southwest Airlines. It got her thinking and I was hopeful. Like I needed her there with me, to hold my hand again. So that I could Velcro myself to her in the event that everyone disliked me and no one wanted to be my friend and I cried myself to sleep every night after getting drunk in my hotel room alone.

I’m sorry if you didn’t notice, but I was the one in the white dress with the pockets flitting around receptions. I was beyond gregarious. I hugged and smiled and accepted compliments graciously despite the ever present hangover. Never once drinking alone but always with others over thoughtful conversation or gratuitous and ubiquitous boob grabbing. The fear that was there, while I begged Amy and downed glasses of white wine (to mask a not very stellar meal), dissipated upon my arrival the W.

I wasn’t nervous or anxious, I was happy and excited. It might have been heavy doses of narcotics or maybe it was just that sudden knowledge that I would be ok. Things would be OK. It’s a feeling that I love; knowing that I’m wrong after being at my most worrisome. I’m not that far removed from high school so I those feelings still creep back up every once in awhile because it’s practically right there. I still can remember the bad days, the cruel crying in the girl’s locker room days and that’s what I always fear upon entering the unknown. Which is when I realized that it’s not the unknown; I’ll be surrounded by people that I ‘know’ and that ‘know’ me.

The list of people I met would be long and boring except to say that I wish I had more time with them. I never once said that about high school, in fact I wanted to run away from high school and may or may have not made threats of bodily harm if I wasn’t let out posthaste.

Saturday night, Catherine and I were discussing blogging communities and the intricacies of them and whether or not they were exclusive for people with certain traits, etc. While I don’t believe that I am part of any specific community, which I actually like. I’m not just a black blogger or a female blogger or an alcoholic blogger with a penchant for swearing. I just do what I do because it’s fun. It’s a hobby which I enjoy and I hate being all gushy and shit but it’s the truth.

People asked what the line “a beautiful reciprocal arrangement” means. It’s from Catcher in the Rye. It’s how I see blogging I suppose; a way of sharing with others our troubles, trials and tribulations in hopes of learning even the littlest of things from one another. It’s how the world works, we go on and gather tidbits from the people we encounter through life. If it’s useful we store it, if not we just move along. That’s how I see blogging, as this arrangement of contributing our experiences with others. It’s not meant to be high school but instead to be inclusive. And if you don’t see or get what you need from one person just move along because there is always more to see, more to learn, and more stupid, drunk 20- somethings to laugh at. And always, always, always more boob grabbing.

Flickr set here

Sweet escape (Now with BONUS video)

July 30, 2007 | Filed under: BlogHer, Humdrum, Va-cay-cay-cay

“No man needs a vacation so much as the person who has just had one.” ~Elbert Hubbard

When I woke up yesterday morning I could have blown a .18. I have an incredibly sore throat and I’m just so overwhelmingly exhausted and in desperate need to just sit. So I promptly dropped my stuff off and ran away to the beach just for the day. Because the beach isn’t my office and requires very little brain power. In fact any brain power used today is in this post and it’s not even that intelligent.

In fact here is a photo of me being all intelligent like. Or perhaps telling the calamari story or maybe just really confused.

Like, Blogging? What the fuck is that? I’m here to drink and for the free Bliss products.

Oh and while I’m obsessing about how much Bliss I stole from The W, enjoy this bit from the lovely and incomparable, Sarah Whoorl.

Ladies and Gentlemen, Sarah Whoorl from HeatherB and Vimeo.

High school mentality

July 24, 2007 | Filed under: BlogHer, Great moments in narcissism

“Be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don’t matter and those who matter don’t mind.” ~Dr. Seuss

I feel like ‘they’ will all be staring at me. Pointing at me for not wearing the cutest shoes or because my hair is a frizzy mess or because I’m fat. They’ll whisper behind my back, just because they can and yet be kind to my face and laugh politely at my lame jokes. But then there will be made up names, equally as lame as I feel and yet still painful.

I’m not in high school anymore. There is no popular girl clique and four days isn’t four years. Yet every so often the above thoughts come from the recesses of my memory thus reverting me back to a painfully shy misanthrope who…you guessed it…thinks that everyone is speaking ill of her.

There’s the rational part of me that is giddy beyond belief. When the thought of being dropped in the middle of 450 (guesstimating) women seems like a swell idea. Then there’s the sudden twinge of feeling wholly inadequate and not good enough. It’s not that I take myself seriously but I feel unsure.

So my mind will revert back and forth between my insecurities – no matter how far removed – and the reality that things will be supremely awesome and I will drink obscene amounts of wine and laugh my ass off.

And my hope of hopes is that I won’t vomit while speaking or pee all over myself when I finally get to touch Whoorl’s hair.

Pretty much the gist of it

July 22, 2007 | Filed under: BlogHer, Blogology, Humdrum

“Many, many men have been just as troubled morally and spiritually as you are right now. Happily, some of them kept records of their troubles. You’ll learn from them - if you want to. Just as someday, if you have something to offer, someone will learn something from you. It’s a beautiful reciprocal arrangement. And it isn’t education. It’s history. It’s poetry.” - J.D Salingeror…Me in 10 Seconds…or more than you probably really wanted to know…My name is Heather B. Yes, people have always called me Heather B, including my parents and brothers. In fact, my last name is B.I’m 23 years old which some consider a ‘zygote’.I’m from Upstate NY. I once told Barack Obama that in an elevator, to which he replied “Ooh, it’s cold up there” and then I had to gently remind him that Chicago in the winter isn’t exactly the happiest place on earth.I lived in DC for six years and literally yesterday, moved back to Upstate NY as my own personal form of torture. I want to see if my pinkie finger can endure frostbite.I drink a lot of wine, read a lot of Salinger, shop at Forever 21 and Anthropologie. I wear pearls everyday and yes, this is my hair, yes I really do go to Coach that often and yes I really do drink that much.I’m an introvert though attempting to be a little more gregarious and I’m constantly on a quest to not look like I’m in my second trimester of pregnancy. Though it’s hard out there for a vegetarian on weight watchers trying to curb her carbohydrate intake.My favorite word is pulchritude. Not that I have any of it, but I like the way it rolls of the tongue.I’m rather self-deprecating, I sometimes talk to myself in Spanish, and I have a flair for the dramatic.

I don’t really recognize her, but I’m sure she’s quite nice

July 20, 2007 | Filed under: Humdrum, Mmhmm That's Right

“Things do not change; we change.” ~Henry David Thoreau

 

 

And now more tales from my almost relentless need for introspection, complete narcissism, and trying to be fucking happy; I must find out who this new person staring back at me is. I look exactly the same. My hair is still all over the place and my eyebrows are slowly forming their own Cult of the Sacred Unibrow and yet things are oddly different.

Like my feelings on things. Like I’m getting older and acceptance and all that wonderful crap and the shitting of rainbows. Oh and yesterday, I saw a unicorn.

 

I, Queen of Misanthropy and declared Socially Awkward Barbie™ have decided to be social and to venture out sans a glass of anything fermented. An incredibly rough and indescribable evening occurred last weekend that left me spent and unable to walk, because the hangover was so painful that I could feel it in my hips. Thusly, I have been on a self imposed hiatus of all things fermented because while there are currently three bottles of Prosecco idly waiting to be opened and consumed, I am growing ill at the thought of putting any of that in my body. My liver has called it quits.

 

Now I shall be surviving on Poland Spring Sparkling Water (With Raspberry-Lime Essence) for the next several days, because it’s delicious and stays in my stomach instead of ejecting violently all over the Washington Hilton.

 

And in all things changing, I’ve found myself not only able to go without using alcohol as a coping mechanism but, I’m also feeling rather gregarious. I’m finding and meeting new people. But what’s more shocking than anything is that after many years of wishing an untimely crippling illness on several of my roommates, enough so that they have to go back to their respective hometowns but can still pay the rent, I think I’m actually in want of one. It’s like I can suddenly handle things. While these things that are conventional and so very obvious to the average person (Why drink if it makes you ill? Why NOT have a roommate and learn that sharing means caring?), they are monumental for me. And I’m realizing that my head will not spin around and explode if I allow other people into my space and I’m not constantly inebriated. Amazing.

 

I owe myself a toast of sparkling water for, you know…growing the fuck up.