I’m sure there are bigger problems in the world; like famine
June 18, 2007 | Filed under: Oh The Stupidity You'll See
“Most of our faults are more pardonable than the means we use to conceal them.” ~François, Duc de La Rochefoucauld
I’m about to go out of my way to demonstrate just how absolutely pathetic, narcissistic and annoying I can be. Thus proving and giving the finger to “the man” who seem to think that I’m just a big fat narcissist with nothing better to do with my very, very disposable income save for drink expensive vodka and buy luxury handbags. And you know what? I do it proudly and fully aware that things will not always be this glamorous, but fucking a, breast cancer, leukemia and Alzheimer’s run in my family, so why not live it up while I can?
On Friday evening I lost my ID. Every person I’ve told – and this is a story that’s been told to every person in a five mile radius – has been shocked because they wouldn’t put it past me to lose my ID trying to buy some poor underage kid a handle of gin or trying to sneak into a bar or reckless driving. All of which save for the latter have actually happened but the last one could happen at any minute given the fact that I find people who can’t merge, to be the most disdainful lot of people to grace the planet.
What really happened is just stupid and boring and my license is now somewhere between the BWI Amtrak station and Union Station though both properties have not seen it. The real story is the way in which I sat on my bedroom floor in a crumpled heap on Friday night. Praying to God that there was someway it had to be in my bedroom. I literally turned whatever was left in my apartment upside down. Leaving no stone unturned as this was a tragic, tragic moment: I wouldn’t be able to drink that night and probably not until sometime on Monday when I had an actual ID proving that I’m not 15 or 16 years old.
[Side note: A few weeks ago, the caretaker of my mother’s house in Martha’s Vineyard saw me as I was leaving and then turned to her and said “I have a daughter about her age. What is she…15 or 16?”]
In the end, after calling Kassy while so very close to tears because going an entire weekend without a sip of fermented beverage is quite possibly the saddest thing in the world, next to war and deadly hurricanes of course; I ended up making the difficult decision of having my former boss’ driver bring me to BWI and back so that I could make it to Happy Hour before everyone was completely shit faced. OR bribing the bouncer with $120 in cash and I was dead serious.
I sat in a cab to Adam’s Morgan gripping my cash and preparing words in my head about being an actual legal adult who was an idiot and lost her license in a freak train accident. And being all weepy and such, I’m sure a bouncer would feel for me and my pain of having to take Southwest once every two weeks and how I CAN’T DRINK. THIS IS A PROBLEM. When I called El Madre to have her send down my passport and old license, she couldn’t understand the urgency in my voice or why I needed a form of identification during the weekend. Because “it’s not like you’re driving anywhere”.
There’s an inane absurdity to this situation, not just because I behaved as if it were an actual emergency, but also because how much more ridiculous can I possibly be? I’m just patting myself on the back quietly, while admiring my quick thinking and ingenuity to not completely freak the fuck out, but instead to call and search and look with complete earnest and then have another copy sent down. My previous reaction would have been a complete meltdown and threats to toss myself in front of a metro bus because life without an ID is just so fucking difficult. I’m now priding myself on my almost adult like behavior, because I truly believe that it’s the baby steps that make all the difference.
Dagny says:
Ummm. Losing your ID is an emergency. Well, it always has been for me. Fortunately for me the first time this happened (Yes, it has happened more than once.) was in college when the owner of the pub on campus was more than happy to vouch for me because “she’s been drinking in here for years.” No matter that I had just turned twenty-one a few months before this. And no, I did not have a fake ID. It’s just that when you hang out with grad students in a college bar, folks are less likely to card you.
I hope you have managed to get some alcohol into your system. Because emergencies like this call for a drink — or two.
I think that was part of the problem…I got worked up about the loss of the ID that all I wanted was a drink. It truly sucked there for like 30 minutes or so.
token says:
I’ve haven’t had a drink in WEEKS and so beyond your pain. On the other had I do have a party to go to this weekend and there will be plenty of booze I can sip slowly or be trashed in like five minutes…and plenty of great and expensive food I still can’t eat yet.
*sigh*
Oooh weeks? I tried that once. I got to 8 whole days. I was so proud of myself that I celebrated with a coffee with bailey’s.
heather anne says:
Once I lost my ID and my debit card. I wanted to die.
I would have died.
hannita says:
I’ve lost my ID a few times. The sucky thing about it is the effort you have to go through to get a new one; I can always get friends to buy my drinks.
My friends were just so damn happy to see me there that they kept buying me drinks. And I’m all like “Uhhh Ketel one and club soda…umm but if they don’t have ketel one then grey goose…ARE YOU SURE THAT’S OK!?!?!” then I’d freak out, because if one of my friends asked me to do that I’d be like “um, stoli and water, yo” I have great friends.
SAJ says:
I can’t relate at all since I don’t buy expensive drinks or luxury handbags (hinting at jealousy here) but still!! totally funny story! maybe it’s just the way you write.
Gracias. I figure that I’ll enjoy the expensive drinks and luxury handbags while I can. But seriously yo, I used to buy all of my wine from Trader Joe’s. Like Charles Shaw and I could be BFF, that’s how freakin’ close we were. Sadly I don’t have that luxury anymore.
Abi says:
If we ever meet in real life, remind me not to go out drinking with you. I’d probably end up doing something stupid like riding my bike home on the Rock Creek Parkway. And not, I don’t mean the trail part.
When do you move? Because we can totally hang out before you leave. And I PROMISE you won’t regret it.
Maybe.
gorillabuns says:
i lost my ID and credit cards for two whole days. luckily, i found an extra bottle of vodka in a cabinet to get me through the VERY tense moments.
to me, a day without the thought of a drink is a day submerged in misery but then again, i have kids.
girlgoyle says:
I think i’d panic more over losing my credit card. Could be that I haven’t been carded in a while…very sad!
Kim says:
When I lost my wallet I had to have my little sister buy me cigarettes. Seriously.
Fortunately, I know a few bartenders so drinking was not a problem.