Because sometimes I don’t want to be notified of “FREE PORN” every 12 seconds
June 13, 2007 | Filed under: Gruyere With That Wine
“I have heard there are troubles of more than one kind.
Some come from ahead and some come from behind.
But I’ve bought a big bat. I’m all ready you see.
Now my troubles are going to have troubles with me!”
~Dr. Seuss
Being one of those “I have such good intentions, but fuck me, the intentions are like my red carpet to hell” people, I’m always ‘really trying’ to do something.
Which explains why this morning when I intended to wake at 6 to use the elliptical, I literally rolled over and put my head at the foot of the bed, next to a random pillow and the ring that I’ve been looking for, for the past week and a half. When I politely asked my mother when she would be ready so that we could stop at Dunkin Donuts on the way to the office, she bellowed back something about ‘being ready when she’d be ready’.
I then kindly suggested possibly streamlining her morning routine, which involves sponges and serums and maybe a quick eyebrow pluck and spending five hours meticulously applying lotion. Because lord forbid, that spot on her inner arm is not adequately moisturized.
I’ve been dependent on her driving me to work because my car is apparently in body shop hell and will not be coming out anytime before my 30th birthday. And ‘it’s not her problem’.
Oh and then we went to work. TOGETHER.
I started The Arbitrarian at 9 in hopes of having it done before noon. But was derailed by some asshole whose blog came with bonus pop up ads. And doesn’t everyone want to start their day with Anna Nicole having lesbian sex with a brunette? If so, I can tell you exactly where to go.
Then I had to keep myself together while I compiled a laundry list of things to discuss with someone and the hour at which that person would be leaving until next week, slowly crept up. I had to shut my office door and listen to ‘Dirty Diana’ seven times while my bottom lip quivered.
It’s either Wednesday, thereby destined to be a shitty day or someone’s Klonopin isn’t doing it’s job. I’m going for the latter.
Jurgen Nation says:
I still want to know whose blog it was. So it was a him? It’s probably better I don’t know. I’d do something rash, like kick him off on principle. Because, seriously? POP UP ADS??! That’s grounds for an ass-beating.
But now that I’ve had a nap, I’m being pessimistic. I mean maybe he thought that it would be nice that his readers receive offers for all the free lesbian sex and bowflex machines. He just wanted them to look good while getting laid. I can almost see the rationale for it. Almost.
heather anne says:
What was your mum thinking? AMERICA RUNS ON DUNKIN!
Apparently she doesn’t watch nearly enough television as I do.
chirky says:
Oh, the google searches you’ll get with this entry. Scary, but great for your stats.
Didn’t even think of that. But you think “Anna Nicole sex” is a popular search? Actually maybe it’s the talk of the “free porn” that will bring me to 500,000 page views a day. I’ll be so thankful.
girlgoyle says:
Funny! You went from thinking eliptical to thinking donuts in record time. How do those measure up on your point system at weight watchers? I bet you get a ton of points from those!
Black coffee w/ two splenda = 0 to 0.5 a point. I don’t get donuts, I’m not really a donut person. So it’s ok for me to have my Dunkin Donuts urges.
LisaBinDaCity says:
Best. Title. EVER.
Angela says:
Isn’t it amazing how you can go to bed with the absolute CONVICTION that you will wake up the next morning and really work your ass off and then the alarm goes off and somehow, during the night, all of your conviction has completely vanished? It’s really unfortunate.