Archive for November, 2006

And now is a good time to be concerned

November 14, 2006 | Filed under: La Madre

“Know thyself?” If I knew myself, I’d run away.” ~Johann Wolfgang von Goethe

The other afternoon, after a perfectly acceptable morning of grunts and sighs and the occasional toppling tower, Amy, Noah and I ventured to Chipotle. And while in line, Amy and I were conversing about the shittiness that is cancer when a woman behind us caught our attention and began conversing with us, while completely polite. What was said is beyond the point, nothing insulting, just friendly discussion pertaining to what we had been talking about. The problem is that had I been a normal person with acceptable conversational skills and had not been raised by (apparent) heathens, then I would have spoken back. Or at least done something a little bit more intelligent than nod and smile and say “Oh wow”, then intensely stare at the burrito makers (FYI, they really do make the guacamole right there). But I’m not a normal, intelligent person who is able to hold a conversation. Amy, on the other hand is, while I couldn’t get away fast enough. It was all very awkward, not on the part of anyone else of course, but because I cannot hold a conversation with strangers. And even if one is not a stranger, well that can get a little confusing (and, I’m wincing right now) and well more awkwardness and bring on the vino!

Apparently I bleed gauche behavior which people are soon going to see as rude and then I’ll have to you know, talk back and use coherent sentences and I won’t be able to die a little inside every time I’m poised with a question or idle chatter. It seems that I cannot handle speaking (to those I do not know well) without great trepidation. Which is a little sad and weird, I might very well say because what kind of people brought up a child who cannot answer a question such as “Would you like fries with that?” without hemming and hawing? Who are these people who raised a daughter who gets tongue tied so very easily and well this whole going into politics thing might not work out if I can’t answer ‘yes’.

I’ve learned to do the whole nod and smile thing pretty easily and I can do whatever you damn well ask me to do (and more!) with a drink in hand. The latter, I think needs to be worked on given that some people might like to speak to me while sober because it’s noon. Though I am a firm believer that at noon, it’s happy hour somewhere, but I suppose that some do not see that as a valid excuse. But I have been getting better. There was an evening where I was thrown into the mix of many, many millionaires and I held my own and drank San Pellegrino, silently. I only spoke when spoken too and it appears that I can say both my first and last name, while shaking with my right hand and holding a drink (water!) with my left. Alas, a miracle.

Though lately I’ve just been thrown into these really awkward conversations where I don’t know what to say and my whole nod and smile deal is the only thing that will get me through. Then I pray silently for it to end and all of my 45 minute conversations are actually only 27 seconds. Really there must be a name for it? Fear of speaking to strangers? I dunno.

Come to think of it, I highly doubt that its roots are genetic. I wasn’t raised by heathens, but instead by those annoying people who feel the need to strike up conversation while waiting in line at the bank. Which begs the question as to whether or nor procreating helps one gain the ability to commiserate and speak with strangers with ease. Something to ponder I suppose or maybe I’m just prone to awkward behavior and conversation. But it’s always one extreme or the other; either I’m too shy to talk and stand at the same time without going into hysterics and/or a blank stare, mouth open (horrific) or I get so comfortable with people that I’m prone to licking (possibly unsanitary, and yet The Swiss* is mighty tasty):

And somewhere in there, is a happy medium.

*Have a very Happy 33rd year, my dear. You deserve it.

1988

November 13, 2006 | Filed under: Fotografias, La Madre

“The past is a foreign country; they do things differently there.” ~Lesley P. Hartley

A few of you* enjoy teasing me because of my age and because I missed all of the 80’s. It’s not that I wasn’t alive, it’s that I don’t remember much of it, my earliest memory being the day before my first day of kindergarten in September of 1988. Let’s just say that I did make the occasional fashion faux pas in the 80’s, but at least I didn’t have a choice in the matter. I was forced to dress that way. I didn’t voluntarily sport Wranglers, or big hair, or puffy sleeves**. Someone, made me do this, and since Peg isn’t one that you’d eagerly want to fuck with, it seemed to be in my best interest to just listen. Which is how one ends up looking like this:

Though I must say it’s not that bad. As I just sat behind a little girl on the way back from Atlanta, with a shirt that said on the back “Daddy’s little redneck” complete with a picture of a confederate cap with a confederate flag. Apparently it takes some people a little time to get over the loss of the Civil War.

It’s so nice to be home.

*Don’t make me name names.

**Seriously, don’t make me do it, you know who you are.

Fine

November 12, 2006 | Filed under: La Madre

“How much has to be explored and discarded before reaching the naked flesh of feeling.” ~Claude Debussy

I always think that I’m onto something brand spanking new when I divulge another (innocuous, or not) tidbit about myself. Like the other day I told Pal that I could be obsessive, as if no one would ever guess that I, of all people, obsess about things endlessly. To which he replied that it was cute that I thought that it was a secret. Have I mentioned the internet searches that go into every little thing that I do? No? Well, there’s internet searches and web MD, because I’m like 99% sure that I have ADD or something.

So, for days, nay weeks, I’ve been saying “Oh yeah, I’m fine” to everything. How’s the weather, HB? Oh, yeah, I’m fine. It’s like my Pavlovian reaction to any question even if it has nothing to do with me, I’ll say “I’m fine”. From now on, please call me Narcissus, please and thank you. Everyday, Swiss Kris will ask me how I am and I immediately pop up with an ‘I’m fine’ and a smile. I’m not sure where I read it, for it was fairly recent, but the author questioned what ‘we’ did before emoticons and well, I pray at the alter of emoticons. So I figure that an AIM smiley, totally conveys that I’m so utterly fine and there are butterflies and rainbows and puppies. The end.

But alas not, because Kris called it my bullshit modus operandi. Damn it, I thought I had that hidden, dude she found me out. No one would know that I’m not feeling completely up to par and because I talk to 87% of people via some sort of Instant Messenger service, I figured that no one would be none the wiser if I threw in a little smile. Or a wink face. Yes, a wink face! Nothing says, La dee da, like a wink face, but sometimes I throw in a kiss face for good measure. And maybe we should be concerned that 87% of my conversations occur via IM. We’ll discuss that later.

Where was I? Oh yes, I’m fine. I am fine. Though if one more person comes up to me and says “Well you must have had the best week ever!!!” I might punch them in the jugular. Not stab, because yes, the wink was fucking awesome, how kind of you to notice, so I wouldn’t want anyone dead, but a little injury, because yes, it was superb. Yes, I drank more Moet than I have in years and I smiled. Am I really fine though? Eh, given that only one person knows what is making me so un-fine, then I’m OK, because not everyone and their brother knows how dumb I’ve been. Though I must admit, I’ve been on cruise control through this haze and everyday is weird and I’m a little more quiet and thoughtful and I may have let the tears well up a bit when I thought I left my ID at home Friday night and had to drive all the way back home (1.3 miles thankyouverymuch) to get it and I haven’t been to the gym and my ‘fine-nesss’ ruined what was supposed to be the Best Week Evah.

But yeah, I’m fine. Totally fine. And maybe if I keep saying it, then it will be true.

*I wrote this entire post with a defective ‘K’ key. So every time I wrote like, it came out ‘lie’. And then I’d have to smash the key down (like now) in order to get it to function properly. This is all very aggravating, but I’m still fine.

What you know about that?

November 11, 2006 | Filed under: La Madre

“Our siblings. They resemble us just enough to make all their differences confusing, and no matter what we choose to make of this, we are cast in relation to them our whole lives long.” ~Susan Scarf Merrell

During his rehearsal dinner, Ty wanted to make me a drink. When I’m not drinking barrels of wine, I stick to vodka tonics or vodka red bulls if I’m feeling particularly feisty. There was no tonic, so I requested some vodka sprite. And since we’re ‘klassy’ it was in a red plastic tumbler. And because my brother and I have the same genes (well, at least half) and because he thinks I don’t drink enough, I sat and watched him pour ketel one into my plastic cup, only leaving less than half an inch. As my eyes widened at the thought of all that damn vodka, I hollered at him to stop. He looked at me and with a wink and a smirk, said, “Oh, we’re Barmores, you can handle it”. With that, he topped off my cup of vodka with a smidgen of sprite. I will say that it only burned a little bit and possibly put a little hair on my chest. But at least I now know for certain that I wasn’t adopted.

I’m in ATL, which is a big step for me given my intense fear of all things southern. Where I intend to drink copious amounts of wine with my brother and see one of my best friends from College and visit the Waffle House. In preparation I listened to Lil Wayne and TI, in addition to my usual Johnny Cash and ABBA. Remind me to tell you about the 139 awkward conversations I’ve had over the past 48 hours, how I licked Kris last night that is after being 2 hours late to her party because of the numbness in my face and the cast of Law and Order was on Jeopardy, and how in order to avoid awkward conversation on the MARTA, I whipped out my blackberry and missed my stop then had to endure more awkward conversation with a fare evader (Dude, this guy totally crawled on the ground of a fucking rail station because he couldn’t pay the $1.75 fare and then he proceeded to try to pick me up. Discuss.). On second thought, I might very well be adopted as my brothers are nowhere near as awkward as I, but at least we all share the same love for Ketel One and Amstel.

A very rare occasion

November 10, 2006 | Filed under: La Madre

“Any emotion, if it is sincere, is involuntary.” ~Mark Twain

I’m sitting here watching ABC World News tonight, while stressing about figuring out what to write. I’m upset over something that could have been controlled, and I’m thisclose to cutting someone out of my life; which under most circumstances wouldn’t be given a second thought. When suddenly I look up at Charles Gibson doing a special report about an 11 year old Iraqi boy, who found his father’s headless body in the road and now, due to depression and post traumatic stress disorder, is unable to attend school or play with other children.

So while I sit here in woe, because my jaw hurts due to a filling. And the entire right side of my face is numb and I’m tired and I have shit to do and I’m angry at myself…all of that and my usual bullshit complaining, suddenly matters a little less. You know?