Archive for November, 2006

Exhibiting social graces

November 21, 2006 | Filed under: Socially Awkward Barbie™

“Almost all absurdity of conduct arises from the imitation of those whom we cannot resemble.” ~Samuel Johnson

A few weeks ago, I received an email from a coworker who had recently started asking whether or not I was the Heather who wrote this blog called No Pasa Nada, because she had been reading it for about a year and it cracked her up. After I picked myself off the floor and stopped hyperventilating, I replied that yes that was me and that we would never speak of this again, and umm please love me? Even though for roughly 40 hours a week, I’m really not funny and actually at my most socially awkward, pleeaaaaase love me? K?

And ever since that moment, every time I see this person, I die a little inside trying to be funny and graceful and totally not making awkward jokes in the elevator that aren’t even funny. And then I smile and want to punch myself in the face with all the social awkwardness. In fact I’m pretty sure that I had a conversation that went something like “My this soda is so fizzy. Why is it so fizzy? Heh, ha, ha”. And now you want to punch me in the face as well, non?

It’s my personal resolution to myself to get a fucking grip and not be Socially Awkward Barbie™. To add further insult to injury (though writing this will hopefully alleviate the situation) I’ve totally become That girl, you know, THAT girl. Her. That girl who acts like a girl and cannot make it stop besides years of therapy and four years of university and vast knowledge of John Locke and Erasmus, I am still that girl. That girl who – gasp – can’t get a fucking grip and starts doing things and acting like a fucking psychotic idiot with a little irrational behavior on the side.

I’m driving to upstate in a few hours, where I will exhibit the aforementioned traits and more! I’m a tool. But please be my friend. Please? And send wine and fries. And if there is one thing to be thankful for, it’s that you aren’t me.

Edit to Add: Here’s a little view behind the curtain; I wrote this yesterday and was thinking about it this morning in the shower (feel free to stop and think about that then shudder). Then realized that this weekend I attended a friend’s birthday party and was totally not socially awkward, but instead nice and polite and normal and I HUGGED and laughed and consumed five (weak ass) vodka tonics. So maybe I’m not that bad and doomed to a life alone.

With sadness

November 20, 2006 | Filed under: La Madre

“Technology… is a queer thing. It brings you great gifts with one hand, and it stabs you in the back with the other.” ~C.P. Snow, New York Times, 15 March 1971

After five years, including a terrorist attack, a sniper, and general neglect, and that time that I broke the latch while highly inebriated, my laptop, a 2001 Sony Vaio, has succumbed after a long battle with my bullshit rants and the occasional virus and hard drive replacement. Our last moments together were while chatting with my pal and attempting to do a blogger verification. At which point I wanted to kill the fuckers who thought of word verification.

In lieu of flowers, I just request that you all treat your computers and hard drives with lots of love and respect.

I’m both highly devastated, as this is the computer I’ve had for five years. Since freshman year of college. But also a little giddy that I could go to bed and watch movies and clean my room without having to write anything or read a blog. People, I went to bed last night at 10:15!!! It was lovely.

Anyway, it’s time for me to make the switch and to get to know Steve Jobs a little better. So I write this not with sadness, but happiness that I now have an excuse to spend a ridiculous amount of money on a piece of metal. Though know that after depleting my savings account, I will be treating my new laptop with respect, love and tenderness.

Any suggestions for a name for my new baby? (Expected due date November 22, 2006)

It goes like this

November 17, 2006 | Filed under: La Madre

“New! Improved! Instant asshole… just add alcohol!” ~Author Unknown

Let me preface this by saying that this is what my inevitable dotage will be like save for the fact that I will most likely be entirely sober throughout the entire thing, which will manifest itself into super psycho HB v. 2.89. Actually I strongly suggest that you have a drink in hand and/or be seated while reading this. Also, try not to want to smack me in the head.

8:48 PM Arrive home after a trip to UStreet for hair product and the gym and Potbelly. Question how I ended up in Anacostia for 7 minutes. Also patting self on back for getting to the wine store minutes before it closes, for a bottle of Vila Malbec. (This will be crucial to the rest of the timeline)

9:00 PM Tear open wine. Begin watching Grey’s. Blind spots, eh? Interesting. McSteamy, yes, I will pick up your dry cleaning. Let’s have babies, yes?

9:30 PM Drinking wine, blah blah blah. George’s dad, blah blah blah.

9:31 PM Bored. Laptop.

9:32 PM Thinking I love my laptop. My shmoopie, baby cakes laptop that has been with me through thick and thin for the past five years and two months. Awwww. Lovey dovey kins doodlebop.

9:33 PM Hear noise coming from the foyer. Presume that it is the roommate coming in. My non drinking roommate who probably thinks that I am a lush, which, ummm yes. After hearing said noise, get up because usually she calls out and says hello. Am being burgarlarized. Contemplate last will. Run over with my wine glass (thinking: Malbec to the eye, will blind the fucker). And lo, it is my roommates boyfriend who calmly says ‘hey’. Like it’s totally fucking normal to be standing in the foyer like a robber.

9:34 PM WIIIIIIIIIINE.

9:35 PM Laptop status: flickering. Hmmm. Possible seizure? No. Possible flicker due to half of a bottle of wine consumption? Perhaps.

9:36 PM – 9:38 PM Restart laptop continuously. My precious baby couldn’t be dying on me.

9:39 PM Peg calls. Through tears, I say something unintelligible about broken laptop, broke HB. Drunkeness. (All a blur now) Recall that she says something smart about purchasing new Mac book now, as opposed to later, and she’d give me the money now for it. But cannot possibly listen. Too busy throwing temper tantrum to think clearly.

9:40 PM Frantically IMing my pal more non-sensical things about my laptop slowly killing itself. Needs CPR. Tracheotomy, emergency c-section and some sutures. All the while, the laptop keeps with the flickering!

9:45 PM Marlboro (oh shut it, dead laptop! You’d want drugs too)

9:55 PM Lament on how un-cathartic Grey’s has become. It used to be that I’d sit alone on Sunday nights afterwards and cry my eyes out because my god! Meredith was so right, even though she needed a filet-o-fish. Now, I’m all “blind spots? Judgement? Not knowing your child’s blood type? Wha?”

10:00 - 10:30 PM Barbara Walters. I would also enjoy interviewing George Clooney, as well as be interested in humping his leg and general licking.

10:35 PM MORE WINE!

10:40 PM More frantic IMing to the pal. Rampant use of emoticons to convey the dire need for help because woe! Pray over laptop (seriously) and demand its cooperation. But it’s too stubborn and I’m too ummm…drunk.

10:45 PM Admire reflection in mirror. Purple teeth and bad skin. Question why on God’s green earth, I could still be single. Whimper.

10:50 PM Fall face first onto my bed.

5:20 AM Alarm goes off (for the gym of course). Awake and question massive hangover. Possibly whimper. Possibly sleep until 8:00 AM.

And scene.

If I never, ever get married, I’ll look back through my archives, find this post and realize why, I never found the right man. Because I’m drunk all of the time and alone and rambling around my house with a broken laptop, yelling at it to please work. Also, I think I might have to wave the white flag and surrender to the NaBloPoMo.

Tears.

Le chat noir

November 16, 2006 | Filed under: La Madre

*This post brought to you by the letter ‘O’ for ‘Oh my hell I need some wine and perhaps a lobotomy’

“There are very few monsters who warrant the fear we have of them.” ~Andre Gide

My neighbor has a black outdoor cat. Thusly, every evening it crosses my path on my way home from work and I inadvertently am taken aback. It’s my ever present superstition that makes me do it. That fears that if a black cat crosses my path, then inevitably something bad will happen. And though I try to talk myself out of it, I cannot feel anything but that.

One night it followed me to my car and last night it stared at me while I sat outside. I couldn’t help but think of the bad luck that might come off of it: Like its glare would lead to years of bad luck and that all of the things that I wanted would be thrown to the wayside due to interaction with a black cat.

Though I doubt anything bad that occurs today or better yet, as of late, is permanent. Much of it is self – inflicted bad things and fear of being jinxed, I know that it most likely will not last forever. But there’s that inexorable nagging and the fact that at this very moment in time, it is all so very important to me. All of the things that I want that I fret over, are all very important even though in the grand scheme of things, they are not. Nevertheless and much to my chagrin, there will always be something stopping me not necessarily a black cat or some other superstition, but something – anything – that will cause me to think that I won’t get something. And that fear – a fear of something that I’ve miraculously conjured up based on no concrete evidence – is the worst feeling of all.

Olives*

November 15, 2006 | Filed under: Food-ay

“Nothing would be more tiresome than eating and drinking if God had not made them a pleasure as well as a necessity.” ~Voltaire

I went through a white wine phase during which I consumed copious amounts of Pinot Grigio on the daily coupled with grilled cheese or a hearty meal from Steak N’ Egg. When I learned that a glass of red wine is good for the heart, I started in on the Yellowtail Shiraz and haven’t looked back since. I have a Wine for Dummies book and keep lists of the Argentinean Malbecs and the South African Syrah, but you are sorely mistaken for thinking that I should give up my day job to pursue life as a Sommelier. All of this means that I drink red wine with everything, including Yellowfin Tuna which totally deserves a white, and I know better and look classy (sorry ‘Klassy’) when ordering Cabernet Sauvignon with my very light fish. And well, it pretty much goes down hill from there. Hell, I think that a fillet of fish from the good ol’ golden arches is a treat and will gladly talk about how well the flavor of the cheese plays off the tang of the tartar sauce. You’re drooling, I’m sure.

Last week, I went to Olives for the first time. The second I put my fork into the Falling Chocolate Cake and the fudge oozed out into a pool quite near to the raspberry coulie as the vanilla ice cream melted on top and it was all a swirl of chocolatey goodness and I died; well I wanted to write about going to Olives. But then I had the sad, sad realization that writing “The chocolate was everywhere and despite the mix of red wine and the olive and goat cheese pasta, I totally didn’t puke on the table” wasn’t exactly a quality food review. In fact, I’m probably the lamest foodie ever, what with the red wine with fish combo and all, and thus decided that Jason is far better at it than I’ll ever be; for this is a man, who beyond all of his other awesomeness, has a favorite gnocchi and knows about the different ‘notes’ in wine, whereas I only know that the gnocchi from Trader Joe’s* tastes like pure ass and that last night the two buck Chuck, gave me a tummy ache. And that my friends, is about as good as it gets. Henceforth, my dreams of writing about the deliciousness and the way the Butternut Squash Tortelli melted in my mouth (despite the tad undercooked dough), were dashed towards the wind. Though seriously people, the secret is that there are finely ground amaretto cookies mixed into the squash that gives it that melty sweet I-will-die-right-now taste.

A smart woman would stop there with full knowledge that she will never compare and Food and Wine will not be calling anytime soon and well Top Chef? Out of the picture. In my next life though, I’ll be Oprah and someone else can make and execute the perfect meal with the perfectly paired wine and know what goes with what. While I sit on my ass and relish in the glory that is a perfect four course meal that involves expert pasta making, some sort of cheesecake, and anything that involves gruyere.

*Umm yeah, food blogging? Not so much
**Oh wait, later this week a special on what HB should make for Thanksgiving that doesn’t involve, shirataki noodles, edamame, guacamole and veggie burgers.