Archive for May, 2006

Turbulence

May 19, 2006 | Filed under: La Madre

“Shyness has a strange element of narcissism, a belief that how we look, how we perform, is truly important to other people.” ~André Dubus

Contrary to popular belief I’m not gregarious in fact I would be the complete antithesis and would call myself painfully, nausea inducing, shy. Why is probably why I’ve managed to hone in on my misanthropic skills and have managed to remain single for all of these years.

Let’s just say another stellar example of my bashful tendencies occurred last evening during a book signing party for the wonderful, non-extrovert Marcos Salazar. In fact Marcos had invited me to his book signing completely out of the blue and I responded because (a) I should get out of the house once in awhile and (b) it’s hard to turn down someone who had once been featured on Daily Candy (if any other daily candy peeps who are avid readers of this prosaic crap would like to give me anything, call me). So, Marcos invited, I accepted and then I also gladly accepted a free (!) copy of the book.

Here is where I pimp Marcos’ book. Pimpage is fun: The Turbulent Twenties Survival Guide, just so happens to be right up my alley. Whereas I look at my twenties from a purely narcissistic standpoint, he looks at his twenties from a psychological point of view, which is significantly less tiring than ‘me, me, me’ every damn day. From what I gathered, Marcos is also considerably smarter and more adjusted than I and so hopefully the reading will do me some good.

Here is where I point out my awful misanthropy: I attended the party – at La Tasca no less – for a grand total of 23 minutes. 23!! I became so overcome by my nervousness that I couldn’t even stay long enough to finish my sangria and instead ran like a little bitch upstairs to continuously text my best friend and cop free drinks off of the bartender that I went to college with. Little. Bitch. I. Am.

To reward myself for spending a whole 23 minutes at the party, I purchased a shirt from Urban Outfitters. Baby steps people, baby steps. I bet some psychology would be good for me though.

Holy incompetent one

May 18, 2006 | Filed under: La Madre

“Common sense is not so common.” ~Voltaire

I have compassion and the ability to be nice. Really, I do. I can also be sympathetic and/or empathetic and feel for my common man. But if there’s one thing that bugs the shit out of me, it’s incompetence. Grown ass people who don’t understand the most basic things and then look (or respond) quizzically like it’s so fucking difficult to find out the name of a room. Really, it’s not. Promise.

At this point I’ve had it up to my eyeballs with incompetence covered in bullshit and I’m just a tad bit irritated to say the least. And though I try to be nice, it’s always met with more stupidity. Sometimes I want to grab people by the shoulders, give them a good shake and maybe speak a little louder, then maybe, just maybe all will be understood and I will not have to go home to pick pieces of ham off of my pizza after waiting for it for 45 damn minutes*.

Maybe this is just more pot/kettle/black action, because lord knows that I’m not the sharpest tool in the shed. But what I would enjoy more than anything, is to ask for something and then receive without an eye roll and receive it at the time specified and not at a pace determined by a…I don’t know…a snail perhaps? Is there anything that can go slower than a person who works at the dreaded BofA? I think not**.

Either way it’s annoying and frustrating and I’m apparently quite worked up about it. Now I shall bang my head onto my desk because this folks has been my morning.

*I ended up getting my pizza for free and a new pizza delivered. But I’m still pissed

** Wait, spoke too soon, TSA, those motherfuckers move like you’re obviously at an airport for your health and not to catch a plane!

Everyday

May 17, 2006 | Filed under: La Madre

“There’s a period of life when we swallow a knowledge of ourselves and it becomes either good or sour inside. ” ~Pearl Bailey

I think that if I had taken up Marine Biology or Economic History as originally planned, I would have something much more interesting to say.

Don’t get me wrong, I love what decisions I’ve made in that regard, but my daily life isn’t nearly as enthralling as feeding a baby penguin might be or delving into laissez-faire capitalism.

What’s key, is wording. Something enticing…something that makes people say “wow” when you talk to them. Though on a normal basis, I can have that affect, but I would say that it’s more stunned silence and thoughts of “but you seem like such an idiot…” Duly noted. And thank you for having such confidence in me, because my self esteem hadn’t hit rock bottom quite yet. I don’t really find myself to be terribly fascinating person. I kind of just go about my day and random shit happens and then I go home and watch an inordinate amount of television and contemplate living in seclusion.

In a meeting a few weeks ago, I was asked what I do on a daily basis. Like from sun up to sun down. I looked quizzically at the asker and wondered whether or not it is really possible to bore someone to death. I mean it varies and depends on my ever changing mood. There’s no complaining it just is what it is and I’ve learned to accept that and move on. While speaking with Chase a few weeks ago, we were both equally fascinated by each other’s day to day life. She noted (I was too drunk to note anything) that people are always more intrigued by other’s lives than they are about their own. Which is entirely true and I would say human nature. It doesn’t mean that one is unhappy with one’s own life, but one gets so used to the day to day things, that it all just becomes routine.

Por ejemplo, today, if I began a rundown of the exciting things that I’ve done today (gave the new intern a tour! Watched Monster in Law! Contemplated what to do with myself this evening given that I don’t think I have to baby-sit! Researched The Deer Hunter and how to make a Hugh Laurie-Taylor Hicks hybrid! Wheeeeeee!), you’d probably have me lynched and thrown in the Anacostia River.

Come to think of it, I like how routine things have become. It’s funny how the everyday things can make or break a mood. And I take great pride in the fact that I’ve molded myself into a person- nay woman – who can finally enjoy things the way that they are. That, my friends, is key.

Gas issues

May 16, 2006 | Filed under: La Madre

“Common sense is instinct. Enough of it is genius.” ~George Bernard Shaw

Once again, I am breaking the rules to bring you this awesome episode into my perpetual stupidity.

You’re welcome.

Having actually left my house this morning at the appointed time, in order to stop and get gas, I was feeling very much in control, which I thoroughly enjoy. I was clad in a recently returned from the dry cleaners outfit and wearing flip flops (Vineyard Vines, if you must know) when I headed into the gas station.

I pumped, removed some garbage and awaited my fate. I had put the little clippy thing down, so that I could remove debris (seriously, there was a fucking tomato piece in my car. Possibly from chipotle. Yeah, I can drive and eat a burrito but only semi-successfully). When I hit about $45 for gas, I decided that that would be enough. Actually my paltry bank account decided that that would be enough. Which is when I made the oh so brilliant decision to yank. YANK - the gas nozzle from the tank, of course forgetting that it was still pumping given that I had put the little clip down

Gas. Everywhere. On my pants, my shirt, the shirt I was wearing under my other shirt, my hand, my feet. Fucking everywhere. And in complete shock over my brilliance, I kind of just stood there bewildered. Maybe even thinking about a stray match or ash that might come swooping over and blow my ass up to kingdom come.

I can see the headlines now “22 Year old DC resident, blown to bits after spilling a gallon of gasoline all over her stupid, stupid self. Witnesses say that it was a ‘spectacular event’” It would’ve been like fucking Helios going across the morning sky.

Common sense, I never knew ye.

edit to add: Because everyone loves to hear about consumerism; I spent a grand total of $53 on gas this morning, which probably included what was wasted on my favorite Anthropologie shirt. I drive a fucking sable. Last I checked, a sable isn’t an H3, but I could be wrong.

PMS

May 15, 2006 | Filed under: La Madre

“To give vent now and then to his feelings, whether of pleasure or discontent, is a great ease to a man’s heart.” ~Francesco Guicciardini

On more than one occasion last week, I teared up over the tritest bullshit ever. Which seems to be a tiring trend as of late and I’m growing more exasperated by the minute. Both circumstances can be remedied with much ease, but alas God forbid something not go my way lest you want to deal with the force of nature that is my perpetually disgruntle mood.

Thankfully a little something called ‘perspective’ decides to drop in and helps me to control my inner (or maybe outer) petulant child. Perspective likes to yell and give a shout every once in awhile and call me a pissy bitch. On occasion it has been known to give me good smack upside the head, which is surely needed at times.

Even better is the knowledge that I’m not the only one who has been and who is PMSing. Actually it came to my attention that a few hundred people are in a bad place at the present moment, though hopefully feeling considerably better at this time. And here’s to hoping this go round will be considerably better.

Like I said, perspective people, perspective. A Midol doesn’t hurt either.