Archive for May, 2006

The story of my life

May 31, 2006 | Filed under: La Madre

Well first a few housekeeping items, which I try to avoid but tend to be inevitable:

1. Y’all are some needy people. I’m here. Look. Wheeeee! I missed you too.
2. Do I even still have readers?
3. We shall discuss R&R and my future prospects at clamming tomorrow
4. How long is the standard time to keep a laptop? I’ve had mine for almost five years and it still runs perfectly fine, but I don’t want to be embarrassed at BlogHer. Thoughts? Also if you really feel it’s high time for me to get rid of the thing, do you suggest a PC or a Mac? I know that I’ve finally fallen into geekdom because when I saw the new Macbook, I almost wet myself.

…Moving on now…

“When dealing with people, remember you are not dealing with creatures of logic, but creatures of emotion.” ~Dale Carnegie

The story of my life, apart from that whole “I was born on a cold winter night in upstate NY in 1983. We didn’t have a car, my mother had to walk to the hospital and I spent a week in a drawer…” (Actually a good chunk of that is false…), aside from that there’s the very elephant in the room that is my less than stellar sense of self. I also have an uncanny ability to project things and will automatically assume that everyone and their brother hates me. All of that peppered with the occasional person pretty much telling me that I should throw myself from a building, and you pretty much get moi. Sad, but true.

There’s nothing better than starting off a day dry heaving and hyperventilating in your car for 20 minutes, because you basically feel worthless. But then again, that’s just more projection and may or may not be true. Then of course something semi-good occurs which makes it a little less likely that I will be propelling myself from any edifices. Which is always a plus.

Anyway, that’s just how it goes and the likelihood of it changing is slim to none and I’m really ok with crying to my mother every once in awhile, because that’s her job. I’m also perfectly ok with bitching to you all because right now I’m feeling like that’s the only thing I’m even doing remotely correct. So I’ll take my wins where I can and move on from that.

Emmaus

May 24, 2006 | Filed under: La Madre

After wowing you all with my first greatest hits post, I decided to bring it back, because 5 days is a really long time…

If my first greatest hits album would be named This Isn’t Education, I find that the follow up would be called Emmaus. Emmaus is a place and I’m not going to go into further detail about it because it’s a complicated and complex story, but one that I’m sure I will share later.

As before, for those of you who have already read these, then my sincerest apologies and for you newbies, well again, I apologize:

1. I’d rather be driving a titleist
2. The Reverend Al said it best
3. This screams ‘Best Seller’
4. One day, I shall slay the enemy
5. It will kill us all
6. Sadly, they help drive the economy
7. McPleasestoptalking
8. Love, Love, Love
9. BofA sucks, enough said
10. But really, I love him
11. At least I’ll have my cats
12. Brightness

Sonrisa

May 24, 2006 | Filed under: La Madre

“If you smile when no one else is around, you really mean it.” ~Andy Rooney

The reason I am hesitant to show off pictures of me smiling is because I quite resemble a squirrel on crack. I have ridiculously puffy cheeks when I smile and my eyes hardly seem open. An ex-lovah* of mine used to amuse himself endlessly by pinching my cheeks. At the time it was endearing now the thought makes me contemplate punching him in the nose on those rare trips home.

Though I’m tempted to show you a picture that Jorge took on his visit (It’s a picture of me with a little bubble that says “I say the c-word like it’s my job”, much to Kris’ dismay), I figure I’ll save that for when I’m looking for true personal embarrassment and besides, who really wants to see a squirrel on crack anyway? (don’t answer that)

I say this now because today I’m in a genuinely smiley type of mood. I’ve just printed out my boarding pass for my flight in the morning to Martha’s Vineyard. I’m stoked, like beyond stoked and in desperate need of a vacation like whoa. Not to mention that it’s several days with the madre, whom I haven’t spent an entire week alone with since Reagan was president and I totally wish I was kidding about that. And the lovely woman who has also expressed interest in shoe shopping and giving me money (!!!!!!!!!!) because I don’t ask for money. And we totally won’t mention how I bought a ticket to San Jose with her AmEx yesterday. Nope, won’t go there. Just think happy thoughts kids, like shoes…espadrilles.

*Before y’all get your hopes up about a possible long lost love, this was the 6^th grade. Me and Jason Stewart who my father referred to as ‘metal mouth’. Kid would likely set off a metal detector I would say. He was one of those kids who desperately needed puberty to come and pronto.

The entitlement clause

May 23, 2006 | Filed under: La Madre

“Rudeness is the weak man’s imitation of strength.” ~Eric Hoffer

Early this morning, after spending a solid hour debating whether or not to go to the gym (not) and whether or not to go to the dry cleaner given that nudity isn’t allowed in the work place, I stumbled to the dry cleaner clad in shorts and my Oregon sweatshirt. That fresh out of bed look does quite well for me, thankyouverymuch.

From outside of my dry cleaner, I noticed the woman who I should say has always been quite kind to me, waving her hands around and speaking loudly to the man in front of me. He looked like an average white male, nothing remotely special about him, I would say. Anyway, the two were having a loud back and forth between each other which almost tempted me to renege on that nudity prohibition. The man would scream louder at the woman about how he wanted his money back or he would no longer be visiting that particular dry cleaner. The woman tried as best she could in broken English to explain that she and her sister treat the man very well because he is “a very important man” but then went on to say that he had no manners, despite that she sat down to write him a check for $130 to replace the shirt that he lost a year ago. A freaking year ago.

I had no idea who the man was and was more appalled at his behavior at 7AM more than anything. She had him write down his name and I was unable to view it. So I moved closer to catch a glimpse of the name on the receipts…Indeed it was “a very important man**” with great clout and many followers. This is a man that I also happen to despise with the fury of a thousand fiery suns and really it didn’t shock me that he would be rude to someone doing a service for him.

At the time, I recoiled and was shocked and while he tried to give me the ‘you feel me’ look, I contemplated outing him to a cast of hundreds, but really that doesn’t matter. The point is that there are people, politicians no less, in this area who apparently feel that because they are in power that they have the god given right to do whatever the hell they please and treat others in a way that is incredibly rude and uncalled for and frankly I don’t get it. Is it ok to hit people’s cars with your gaudy Lexus? Is it seen as appropriate to yell at the woman who does your dry cleaning because you’re upset about a shirt that had been lost (over a year ago, with no proof I might add)? I think not.

I’m starting to tire of people around here that seem to think that they are God’s gift to the free world just because they happen to have a seat in Congress or happen to be BFF with George Bush, worse yet, those that seem to think they are infallible or omnipotent based on their ever decreasing majority. I just don’t get it and I may or may not be the only one but I am highly displeased and the fact that I already didn’t enjoy the aforementioned offenders’ politics in the first place, now I also can add that they are generally mean spirited people.

**I’ve since reneged on not naming the culprit…

Horrification

May 22, 2006 | Filed under: La Madre

“The first thing in the human personality that dissolves in alcohol is dignity.” ~Author Unknown

It had been a perfectly acceptable evening spent with Marci and Roary, traipsing through Adam’s Morgan and then to Dupont. I even – quite literally – jumped for joy at the sight of Ms. Cookie. And I had finally gotten over that which was the uber exclusive Fly, which is an excellent place to go for good music and if you don’t mind losing a toe. I mean really, you’ve got nine more.

So, evening? Good. As I walked to the metro – therefore totally defying Roary – I found that my hips were hurting me even more than they had earlier. I felt like the Tin Man and that my joints needed some oiling before I even thought about prancing around for a new heart. I was walking funny…a strange little limp of some sort I suppose. Anyway, as I was walking – nay hobbling – to the metro a man walked up to me. A man, that I had never seen in my life came up to me out of the blue, while I was semi inebriated and in pain to comment on my gait. Not only to comment but he actually said to me “look at you twisting like that (I wasn’t twisting, but whatever), Go on girl, look at you walking with your big ass.” And of course, said with a smile.

Now, what does one do in this situation?

(A) Do a round house kick and karate chop to the little fucker

(B) Do an impressive half nelson maneuver that had been learned in seventh grade

(C) Castrate the motherfucker and then explain to the police why there is so much black on black crime

(D) Become overwhelmingly horrified and then walk faster to the metro while covering your “big ass” with a skimpy wrislet

(E) Bust out my nine and pray that I have good aim

I decided to go with ‘D’ and just thank God that no one was there to witness. Sunday morning I ran my ass off and then walked the two miles to and from Gallery Place and tried to subsist on an apple and orange juice for the day because I HAVE A BIG ASS!

Ok, that’s a lie I don’t have a big ass. And even if I did, it’s an ass that is now 17 lbs lighter and in dire need of some new jeans. So take that drunk, homeless man and be happy you still have your baby making parts, asshole.