Jesus lord almighty, I need to leave my mother’s house. But seriously An entire day of Law and Order: SVU and CI. This is like my dream come true. It’s like Christmas times 47. This is how I’ll feel on my wedding day, excited and happy and in awe, but then it will be over all too soon. It really needs to be Tuesday, and very soon.

European Love

December 30, 2005 | Filed under: La Madre

“I met a lot of people in Europe. I even encountered myself.” ~James Baldwin

Often, I find myself comparing one date in the current year to the same date a year prior. What has happened in that year? How are things different now than they were before? It’s not secret that it’s a shock to the system one day waking up and finding oneself unemployed with no insurance and pretty much stranded. May 7th everything was normal and the way it had been for the 21 1/2 years prior, May 9th - a monday - I felt like I was floating alone. I hate that feeling, of being alone and feeling like there is no one around. Despite that fear, that’s not what I’ve been thinking about lately. Going back a year, I was receiving my visa for Spain and packing for four months in Europe. I was about to go on a semester long vacation where I was more than entitled to spend my parent’s money and I had no school work to do because I was well over a year ahead in credits. It was my semester to do anything I wanted to do after working my ass off for three and a half years. Quite lovely I would say, knowing that nothing is waiting for you except for the great unknown. Europe was waiting for me I guess or maybe I was waiting to go to Europe. It would be my second trip; the first being to Rome. I wasn’t excited, nervous as fucking hell, anticipating the worse of course.

Without getting into “What I did for 5 months of my life in Europe” (hint: I drank. A LOT. Oh, and there were camels and beaches and desert-oh my), I will say that now I think about Spain and I ache. Everything as of late has been reminding me of Madrid. God forbid someone say ‘tortilla’, I feel the tears well up. I remember every little detail about that city. My long walks to Sol and Retiro. Staying out until the metro opened at 6 AM and then finding myself eating churros con chocolate. The way my room looked, the way Teresa’s apartment looked and how she took care of me. Every little thing brings me right back there to Ventas. It makes me sad and I’ve never missed anything this much before. I think the problem is that other things that I miss, I know I’ll see later. Like I missed my parents and friends while abroad, but I knew that in just a few short months I would see them again. This time it’s different. When will I go back? I’ve been bitten by a Europe bug, it’s not just Spain I want to get back to, because I know that the country is permanently engrained in my mind, but I just need-crave-to back to Europe.

I hate this feeling too; wanting something so badly and not knowing when I’ll get it. But for now, i’ll look at flights to Paris in March or Prague in May or Spain over the summer and think, it wasn’t ‘adios’ it was ‘hasta luego’.

Much Needed

December 29, 2005 | Filed under: La Madre

“If we would only give, just once, the same amount of reflection to what we want to get out of life that we give to the question of what to do with a two weeks’ vacation, we would be startled at our false standards and the aimless procession of our busy days.”~Dorothy Canfield Fisher

I really cannot profess enough how much I enjoy a good few days with nothing to do. Absolutely nothing. As of right now I’m still rocking my fuzzy slippers and watching crapass day time television. True Life: I have a friend with benefits, to be specific. What the fuck is that? I know what a friend with benefits is, what I mean is why would you want to broadcast that shit on television? Breaking Bonaduce; so you were on a tv show in the 70’s and now you’re going to rehab and acting like a little shit. The saddest part is that as pathetic as VH1’s celebreality is, it can keep me interested for hours. I’ve been caught up on the Surreal Life and have watched hours of MTV’s best of 2005. This includes a little bit of Newlyweds or shall we call it Newlydivorced? And finally, my least favorite/most cringe inducing show; a baby story. Why, why, whhhhhhhhhhhyyyy??

All of this general laziness has led to a hefty list of resolutions and despite the bit of malaise of yesterday, it’s been nice. I enjoy this one week of year to do nothing except over think things, which always prepares me for the next year and at least pretend to get my shit together. Do you ever have that feeling that things might start to look up? Because that’s the feeling I’m getting right now.

Little Miss Bitter Pants

December 28, 2005 | Filed under: Humdrum

I find myself in a strange mood. I’m in a good mood. Things are (semi) looking up and I’m going to Europe sooner than expected. All good things. And yet, I’m sitting here seething and being a bitter bitch who reads one of her favorite blogs and contemplates leaving an anonymous message*: “Get over yourself. My god.” Yes, I would do that and I suppose being elusive once again is only going to make me look like an even more bitter bitch. I get in these eye rolling, fits where I am angry at someone for some unknown reason about NOTHING. Is it jealousy induced? Is it the OC: Season Two? Is it just general malice that seems to afflict me constantly? Or perhaps the whole New Year, new you, bullshit that comes up after Christmas (or maybe that’s just me)? Whatever it is, I doubt leaving anonymous comments will make me feel better. And for the record, no I didn’t leave a nasty comment, I only thought about it and now I’m blogging about it.

*just so y’all know, I have never once done so, but I’ve thought long and hard about it. I’ve said it once and I’ll say it again: I’m just a mean bitter girl.