Archive for October, 2005

Detox the Bitch

October 31, 2005 | Filed under: La Madre

“When the wine goes in, strange things come out.” ~Johann Christoph Friedrich von Schiller, The Piccolomini, 1799

This is Scott. Scott plays for the Panthers. Scott is a loud motherfucker at 4AM. I know this for a fact, because he spent the weekend in my apartment, while I was too hungover to freak out that he plays for the Panthers and that he may have tackled a Barber (speaking of Barbers ummm 36-0. Awesome. Major digression there) Yet, hungover enough to be a complete whore, the entire weekend. Because that’s what a hangover does.

I’ve been irritable, restless and uneasy. It happens in times of change and this “change” has hit me like a big yellow school bus. I’ve coped by eating copious amounts of carbohydrates, pumpkin spice lattes and attempting to workout whenever I could get my lazy hungover ass to do so. I’m a fucking mess. Sad and pathetic really and not something that one should own up to. But I’m learning to deal with my faults and instead of getting more upset I’m trying to figure out how to change them.

Not only do I drink on a regular basis (and by drink, I mean an entire bottle of wine to myself in one evening) I do so in a way that’s unhealthy and I do things that I’m not proud of. I say things I shouldn’t have, I’ve punched friends, cried, fallen out of a shower, cried some more, and been your basic idiot. Wednesday night was awful and Thursday morning I felt it. Thursday night I drank more (obviously I no longer want my liver) and then almost fell in Union Station. Friday I gave blood (the poor poor individual that gets my blood also will end up with a blood alcohol level of .18) and after being warned to NOT drink for five hours, I had two glasses of wine before bed at 8pm. In turn, I was a surly bitch for most of the weekend.

Saturday evening, meant parties, including one with a former interest, that only proved to me that he tells everyone, EVERYTHING. As my reputation proceeded me, upon entering that apartment. I wanted him shot. Saturday evening was also full of “witches brew” and “jungle juice” that left me a hungover mess once again on Sunday. And ready for a change.

I am detoxing. Not just because of this past week, which while bad, I’ve had worse. But because I need it, my body needs it. I drank more alcohol last week than water. I ate more complex carbohydrates than fruits and vegetables. Do we see a pattern of complete self destruction here?

I realize that none of these things are that severe. But it is to me, and once I start worrying, then no one is safe. A detox, not just from alcohol but also from crappy foods. I’ve said it before, but my God do I mean it this time. This is ridiculous and I’m writing this completely furious that I’ve been so completely stupid. And we all know that nothing screams stupidity while driving while semi-intoxicated and eating crap food at the same time.

I need this. I’m smiling (albeit furious) because I’ve told myself that it’s time for a little change. I’m hoping (and praying) that the next three weeks help things improve. Because really I’m not feeling all too hot and I’m sure my diet of French fries, pasta, and cabernet sauvignon isn’t helping.

Pretending

October 31, 2005 | Filed under: La Madre

I walked into work today, with plans to see Rosa Parks (after getting a talking to by my parents) this evening after standing in line with thousands. I even brought my In Style with me to read while in line. I get to work and find out that yes, there will be Rosa Parks but at her memorial service. With actual dignitaries. Important people and me (with my boss, who is also important, but I’ve gotten out of the “oh my god, you’re you and I’m freaking out” stage with my boss. But actual famous (like umm possibly Oprah and ummm, the cabinet) and me. And I have muster up whatever acting skills I may have (or not) and play adult. I’m not good at playing adult. Trust me, I have witnesses.

Excuse me while I flip my shit and do breathing exercises. Seriously.

*Ok I met-more like my boss forced me to say hello to-Cicely Tyson and I had to keep from quoting Fried Green Tomatoes…ummm and today has been so freaking random and just weird. And I’ve been a very bad blog reader, because I haven’t been in my office the entire day and now I will be here until 8 doing work. blah.

Entertaining…at least for us

October 28, 2005 | Filed under: La Madre

Brad,
It would be difficult for me to be any more miserable right now, I feel like the worst person ever. First, let me start be saying that I am truly truly sorry, and I hate myself for hurting you. Of all the people in the whole entire world, you were honestly the last person that I would ever want to wrong in any way. There is no excuse at all for anything that happened, so I won’t even try other than to say all of us had WAY too much to drink, and I did a stupid thing. I can handle you being pissed at me, I absolutely deserve it, I can even handle the ugly words that were exchanged between us, what I can’t handle is thinking that you see me as a different person. It is weird, I feel like I just went through a horrible break up or something. The world looked funny yesterday, I couldn’t crack a smile if you paid me, there are songs I can’t listen to, and I just feel beyond crushed. I don’t know if you meant everything you said to me, and I am also hoping that this is something that we can deal with. I know it sounds totally crazy and stupid, but you have come to play such a significant role in my life, I can’t imagine my days without you. It is totally strange and weird to say that, and you could say that my behavior didn’t reflect that, and you would be correct. I hate feeling like you hate me, and I hate feeling like all of your friends think I am a terrible person, because I am not. I know there is nothing I can say nor do to take back what happened, but I just want you to know that fighting with you was just about the worst thing I could ever imagined. It was right up there with one of the ugliest nights of my life, and I would give anything in the world to rewind and fix it.
I am not sure if you will respond to this, part of thinks that you won’t. If not today, then maybe some other time. Also, thanks for getting my stuff together, although I think my sunglasses are still at your house, if you could keep your eyes peeled for them that would be great. I can’t even focus or work today, I can’t eat, I seriously feel it was an ugly break up, and I am hoping against hopes it was not that and you are not done with me. Please don’t cut me off, I really don’t think I can handle that.
I am so sorry.
Elizabeth

Response…..

Dear Elizabeth,
Thank you for your concern. I’ll be sure to file it away under “L” for “Long-winded diatribes from drunken whores I couldn’t care less about.”
You did a stupid thing huh? No…doing long division and forgetting to carry the one is “a stupid thing”; Mixing in a red sock with a load of whites is “a stupid thing”; Blowing some guy in a bathroom for 45 minutes while I sit at the bar wondering if you’re taking so long because you ate too much bran that morning isn’t as much a “Stupid thing” as it is grounds for permanent removal from my social calendar.
To be honest, I’m not sure if it was more amusing that you went and degraded yourself in a public toilet not once but twice in a 2 hour span, or that you seemed to think that by saying “Well, I didn’t fuck him” somehow gave you a clean slate.
So forgive me if I couldn’t care less if the world “looked funny” to you yesterday. Since your world revolves around blow dryers, golden retrievers, Prada Bags and Jelly Beans, I’m sure it must have been most unsettling to actually have to consider someone else’s feelings for 24 hours straight. The good news for you is that my friends don’t think you’re a terrible person, they just think you’re the average run of the mill cum-guzzling blonde who commands about as much respect as your average child porn collector. I could be wrong but, it’s pretty hard to respect some B&T chick who comes out to spend the night at my place even though she’s seeing someone else in New Jersey and winds up tongue-bathing the taint of anyone who decides 30 minutes of droning commentary on Colin Farrell’s new haircut is worth putting up with for a hand job in the men’s room. The good thing about being a guy is that when I eventually bump into the young lad who finger-blasted you on top of a towel dispenser last Saturday, we’ll have a shot and laugh our heads off about the time it happened.
By the way, for the amount of time you claim to spend in spin class you really must be doing something wrong to sport the thunder thighs you do. Watching you parade around my bedroom in a thong was a little like watching sea lions mate. Thought you might like to know.

PS. I BCC’d about 100 people on this e-mail.

Talk to you never,
Brad

BAWF

October 28, 2005 | Filed under: La Madre

“Oh, wouldn’t the world seem dull and flat with nothing whatever to grumble at? ” ~W.S. Gilbert

Titanic: The Titanic DVD is coming out with a (wait for it) Alternate Ending. Which means that there is no ice berg and the boat doesn’t sink. Glad that Paramount can change history.
The hell?

Buses: Specifically the circulator. At first I loved that mother fucking red bus, now, not so much. Especially when there are about eight of them chilling at union station and yet all of the drivers are on a break. Break, my ass. Drive. Oh and the passengers, we’ve been waiting (in the cold rain no less) for about 20 minutes, in that time, I think that you should have checked out the little map, figured out your stop, and (gasp) figured out the fare. No need to make the driver wait for 30 more minutes, while you figure out how far K street goes. Oh and driver, GREEN MEANS GO.

Hangovers: I still have a fucking hangover. This might be because I drank last night as well (two glasses of shiraz with a little water on the side-and the best camembert ever!). Then almost busted my ass in union station, because my shoes were slippery. Note to self; stop drinking! Tonight will be a brief hiatus, but there are a few beers, that could stand to be had in my fridge. Sunday will begin my detox. Seriously.

Eyeballs: I think my eyeballs may get stuck in the back of my head if I continue to roll my eyes this frequently. Note to all: no need to tell me something I’ve done wrong 18 times, I got it the first 17 times. And you need not need to speak to me like I’m an idiot. Thanks.

Friday. Man, FRI. DAY.

Read last week’s Bitches Are Whack Fridays

Over hung

October 27, 2005 | Filed under: La Madre

I thought I would be able to come up with something. I felt ok on the walk to work, but sitting down now, I’m reminded of my purple calamari. You see, calamari turns purple, when mixed with eight glasses of pinot noir in your stomach.

I really wish I could remember how I got home.

Nothing says Happy Birthday, like a good ol’ hangover and arriving to work at 1:45 PM.

Christ.

**Addendum**

Things that are difficult to do while so fucking hungover you might die:

1. stand
2. walk
3. send a fax
4. scroll up and down on the computer
5. move the mouse
6. look into the cabinet above my desk
7. move the flowers on my desk that are blocking the cabinet
8. speak
9. not use the word ‘fuck’
10. eat
11. drink
12. work
13. book a flight
14. answer the phone
15. keep my eyes open
16. attempt to not die