Monday nights

January 5, 2009 | Filed under: Humdrum

“It is one of life’s bitterest truths that bedtime so often arrives just when things are really getting interesting.”  ~Lemony Snicket

My stomach is distended due to excessive quantities of egg drop soup and the remnants of what was once considered the greatest sushi on the planet and has quickly turned into a hipster pedestrian way of consuming fast food. Instead of a drive thru I get my raw fish brought to my doorstep. I slurp my soup over the din of Olivia Palermo’s voice as she continues to pick, swish, swallow and regurgitate every aspect of Whitney’s relationship with The Australian. My laptop fan is blowing hard and keeping my legs warm while Simon has himself curled up on my feet. The gin and tonic has gone lukewarm as have my feelings for this post. It’s almost time for bed but it’s guilty pleasure night. It’s almost worth it for me to drink an extra coffee in the morning in order to know that each time I think I’m That Asshole there is someone out there who is far worse.

Too busy. Can’t talk now.

January 1, 2009 | Filed under: Va-cay-cay-cay

“I shall miss this thing when it all rolls by” - Dave Matthews Band

I have 72 hours left before The Man comes to take me away. Clearly I’ve been busy quoting Dave Matthews and dressing in clothing circa 1999 because it still fits, God damn it! I’ve also flirted with 2009 a bit and it seems to be an excellent kisser. I think 2009 and I might go all the way.

Happy New Year, kids.

And in the end

December 30, 2008 | Filed under: "Oh night divine", Great moments in narcissism, Listy

“It wouldn’t be New Year’s if I didn’t have regrets.”  ~William Thomas

There are very few words that can relay just how painful this past year has been. Self-inflicted strife and heartache would touch the very tip of that iceberg but nothing to account for the number of times I felt my heart churning around in my gut and the times I sat laid in bed for hours longer than it should be legal, only to use a sick day because everything physically hurt based on a mental condition. I won’t miss the dull ache of the past twelve months and knowing that if one second, minute or phrase had been changed, if I had missed a train because of snow or if I had replied differently…my God…this year would have been far better than one of Soul Sucking Hell Fire and Doom.

2008 I will not miss you. You, wily bastard* shit head of perpetual disdain and sadness, go the fuck away.

And that’s the ‘family friendly’ version of what I’d like to say about this year. But it’s the end that counts…those last few days and weeks that prep you for the twelve months to come. The emails and notes of a different tune. The pep talks and ‘you can do it’ from 3,000 miles away. The difference between this year and the last is that while yes, I am in control of my actions but I’m not starting 2009 with dread, fear and this overwhelming guilt that bogs me down and forces me to live like I’m perpetually treading water. In the end, my legs aren’t tired, my arms aren’t sore and my head is above. This year, I won’t be gasping for air.

Here are my favorite posts of the past year. Posts that have made me smile and laugh, recoil and remember:

January: The 50MM Story

February: Filler, redux

March: Water into Wine

April: Pain and Understanding

May: La Madre

June: Fight and Flight

July: Just in time for vacation

August: What the good ones are made of

September: The rules of engagement

October: A lesson before 25

November: One day in November

December: There’s the tiniest sliver of hope at the end of this tunnel

*I borrowed that phrase from Metalia.

So, this is Christmas?

December 26, 2008 | Filed under: Just asking

“Whoever one is, and wherever one is, one is always in the wrong if one is rude.”  ~Maurice Baring

Scene: Basement laundry area. I’m waiting for two dryers to become available so I can put my stuff in. Earlier, I had waited 20 minutes to get to the washer before the owner of said clothes in the washer sauntered down. I only felt slightly bad but hey, people do it all the time - it’s happened to me - it happens to everyone. Annoying? Yes. But teaches you to get your ass downstairs in time.

The drying cycle ends and I have no pants for later. I open the door.

Two girls walk down. Blondie is carrying the pint sized brunette on her back.

Brunette (not looking at me): Could you really please not do that…

Me (looking right at her): Um, your stuff had been done. I was waiting and people are behind me waiting for dryers as well…

B (still avoiding eye contact) (possibly because I’m so menacing): Just don’t do that. It’s gross.

Me (guffaw): I’m so sorry to have put my germy hands on your clean clothing.

B: Ugh. It’s just RUDE. We knew it was you before so don’t do it.

Me: It wasn’t a secret!

B: …

Brunette and Blondie leaves while nary a word comes from Blondie’s mouth. Brunette is still huffing and puffing wanting to blow my condo down. She walks away.

Me: Sorry once again! I’M OFF TO BLEACH MY HANDS NOW!

I’ve lived quite a bit of time in buildings with public washers/dryers and even when I had a unit in my actual apartment, my roommate and I would take out each others things as they finished because it’s rude to monopolize the laundry area when it’s pretty clear that there are others who are waiting to use it. I’ve forgotten to remove my clothing multiple times and each time someone else has removed it for me. Yeah the first time I got huffy (to myself, of course) and then I realized that hmm, if I go down when my laundry is ready then maybe I can remove it myself thus keeping the line of laundering going smoothly. But then this half sized bitch comes down and has the audacity to not even be polite about it but then say “it’s gross”. And if she had just said, can you please not do that, I would’ve been like “Ok, whatever” and let it go but the added emphasis on how utterly GROSS it is to have someone’s hand on your stuff is what sent me into a tizzy.

This means that from now on, if I ever see her in the elevator, I’ll be sure not to touch the buttons for her or to hold the door open because I don’t want my disgusting germs infiltrating her pristine, immaculately clean space. P.S. For a girl so concerned with the cleanliness of others perhaps she should try a little Spray and Sash on some certain garments of clothing. Ahem.

Not short but sweet

December 23, 2008 | Filed under: "Oh night divine", "The Pot Licker", Va-cay-cay-cay, Whoa feelings

“Christmas is the gentlest, loveliest festival of the revolving year - and yet, for all that, when it speaks, its voice has strong authority.” ~W.J. Cameron

I think I might have more Johnnie Walker Red than I had originally thought as evidenced by my returning home and crying and emailing and drinking the Chenin Blanc that had exploded all over my freezer. Please note that crying, emailing and drinking are not three activities that should ever be done at the same time. It’s like mixing napalm and well, oxygen. Police are so upset about people drinking and driving well psychotherapists and close friends should send out warrants for the arrest for overdramatic 20 somethings with a proclivity to confess The Feelings at 11:39 PM while weeping over a large glass of wine.

Woe!

The Spirit has been in and out. Next week when I’m sitting at home for 12 glorious, God sent, Jesus kissed days with nothing to do but write, write and maybe write some more, I will tell you about Friday night and how Susan had to keep me from jumping off my balcony while had a house full of people.

Merry Christmas! Try the eggnog! Excuse me while I leap all of three stories to my death but what would actually be a broken hip!

There is no proper segue here except that I need a very long break. Not a week off of work where I go somewhere else and pretend to be thrilled about TSA giving me an anal probe but a week off where I sit and read and play with my new Hayden Harnett. Speaking of which - and an utter digression of where this post is headed - I bought two Hayden Harnett bags for myself for Christmas. I even had them gift wrapped with a gift note. The gift note: “Dear Heather: You rock. Don’t ever change. Love, Heather”. So you know there’s that: Even if I’m feeling unloved by the world at large at least I love me and that’s what really matters.

Anyway, while I’m home I’ll probably bake and practice making gluten free goodies (post on why I find myself blatantly lying about why I don’t eat gluten coming soon to a crapass blog near you!). In the meantime I will leave you with these:

Gluten free pumpkin cupcakes. I’ve been holding onto these bad boys for a month now waiting for the right time to release them on you because people are terrified by the no gluten thing. As if anything sans gluten will taste like chalk paste ground up with salt. These are quite delicious. And I’m not saying that because I put my blood, sweat and tears into them but because I was apprehensive and had resigned myself to defeat that I would just have to suffer in silence. I test out everything I bake on my coworkers before I give them to actual people. The feedback from these was a resounding, “Quit your job and bake”. So if things in politics don’t work out and President Obama doesn’t want me in his administration because of my facebook/twitter/blog/MySpace sex shots (I AM KIDDING) then I can always bake for a living.

Gluten-free Pumpkin Cupcakes (from Simply Recipes)

Method

Cupcakes

1 Preheat oven to 350°F, and place rack in the center of the oven.

2 Using an electric mixer, cream the butter, brown sugar, molasses and honey, until as light and fluffy as it will be, about 2-3 minutes. Add the eggs, one at a time, mixing well after each addition. Add the pumpkin purée and vanilla and beat until incorporated.

3 In a separate bowl, whisk together flour, baking soda, baking powder, salt and spices. Add the flour mixture and buttermilk alternately to the pumpkin batter, in three additions, beginning and ending with the flour mixture.

4 Add the pecans and raisins. Mix in by hand.

5 Set paper cupcake holders in a muffin tin. Spoon the batter into the cupcake paper cups, close to the top of the cups. Bake approximately 18 minutes, or until a toothpick inserted in the middle comes out clean. Let cool completely before frosting.

Frosting

6 Using an electric mixer, mix together cream cheese and butter until smooth. Add maple syrup and confectioners’ sugar and mix to combine. Once cupcakes have cooled, apply frosting.

Makes 16 cupcakes.

Below we have your basic sugar cookies but with a lemon glaze frosting because I had no patience to whip up vanilla frosting and think vanilla frosting is a product of the Devil. I did have powdered sugar and some lemons lying around so I made lemon glaze which made an ordinary sugar cookie taste like magic. If you’re ever looking to impress your coworkers or mother or parole officer; tell them that you made sugar cookies from scratch without the help of Pillsbury and they’ll all bow at your feet and tell you how fucking fantastic you really are.

Easy Sugar Cookies

1 Cup of sugar
1 cup of butter
3 tablespoons of milk
1 teaspoon of vanilla extract
1 egg
3 cups of flour
1 1/2 teaspoons of Baking powder
1/2 teaspoon of salt

1. In large bowl, combine sugar, butter, milk, vanilla, and egg. Blend well. Lightly spoon flour into measuring cup; level off. Add flour, baking powder and salt; mix well. Cover with plastic wrap; refrigerate for atleast 1 hour.
2. Heat oven to 400 f. On lightly floured surface, roll out 1/3 od dough at a time to 1/8-inch thickness. Keep remaining dough refrigerated. Cut with floured 2-inch cookie cutter. Place 1 inch apart on ungreased cookie sheet,
3. Bake at 400 f for 5-9 minutes or until edges are light golden brown. Immediately remove from cookie sheet decorate as desired.

Serving size is one cookie with frosting…
Enjoy!

Number of Servings: 72

Frosting:

Whisk 1 ½ cups powdered sugar, two tablespoons lemon juice, and 1 ½ teaspoons lemon peel in small bowl. Frost.

And with that, have a very wonderful Holiday, listen to Carol of the Bells, drink eggnog spiked with four kinds of hard alcohol and I will see you all next week.